the line between you & me

trauma

TW: this piece contains details of my sexual assault.

It began with my father
Who taught me the wrong idea of love
It was my father I looked for
In every man I let near
And I didn't realize that until I fell in love
With a man that was exactly like him

I often forgot that my father existed
Not physically, but inside my head
He was dead in the wasteland of my subconscious
But he was still breathing, urging me
To fall for every man that looked and sounded like him

I'd known him for three years
We met when I recognized how similar
He was to another boy
Back then, he was normal
He looked like my dad
But I didn't see the same mannerisms

Kindness flowed out of me for this boy
But that kindness turned into pity
I couldn't place my finger on why
I didn't enjoy spending time with him
Until it became about him

In his mind there was only one explanation
This explanation he used to define his own self
His coworkers hated him, but he was the best
His parents avoided him, but he was the best
His love interests rejected him, but he was the best

He didn't understand
And neither did I
Until he projected that explanation onto me

I trusted this boy with my whole heart
Even though my pity ran deep
I'd always seen others' pain
Then made it my own

I could sense this day was different
His eyes, his smell, his touch, his words
But thanks to my father, I didn't know any better
Men were a mystery to me because my dad
He was the one who should've taught me
The apparent difference

I don't blame my father for this at all
I don't blame myself
Anymore, at least

He asked me about the affair
I'd had the whole month of November
And I know now
This is when I should have stopped
He became irritated with himself
And just like other times
He projected that irritation onto everyone else
It couldn't be his fault
He was always in the right

He started to touch me
And I thought it was friendly
Or maybe my mind convinced me it was
So I wouldn't have to face the painful truth
He held my hands my feet my legs
While he tickled me
And grazed my breasts
His hand would rest on my inner thigh
I didn't pull away
I wasn't scared because
This boy is my friend

His plan was calculated enough
That I didn't know
His plan must have been last minute
Maybe that's why I was so late to react
Maybe that's why I blamed myself
For thinking that kindness and pity would
Have gotten me out of that situation

He pinned me onto an old desk
This is okay, he's just joking
This is why my brain stayed calm
Up until I noticed what he was doing
Up until my breath started collapsing
From my lungs and my mind suppressed
This danger that I didn't know this boy
Was capable of

Put your hands above your head
Don't move them
I did as I was told because I felt
Powerless
I felt my body wasn't my own anymore
I had always been governed by men
Because I grew up in front of a man
Who didn't govern me
I confused governance for love

When his hands wandered up the skin under my shirt
I knew what he wanted but
I felt obligated
Because
This boy is my friend
Even when I hadn't reciprocated this attraction
I felt as if I owed him this
Just as I thought I owed any man anything

He would ask if this was okay
My throat didn't contract and
I didn't say no
I let out a slight yes
But I didn't want this
My body didn't want this
I was confused
My mind was heavy with the thought of
Being powerless
And I shut down

My bra came undone and his hands
Sat on top of it as he
Joked about tickling the spot between my legs
I didn't know the difference between
Wanting something
And
Someone taking it

I hadn't moved since he placed me on the desk
And I now understand that should have been
A message to him
A message that I did not want what he did
Except I don't think it mattered to him
Because just like other times
He was always in the right
He was the best

When I felt my shoes being untied
I was really hoping it wasn't true
I didn't want what I knew he wanted
I didn't want him to have that part of me
I'd only ever wanted to give him kindness

He took both of my shoes off and tossed them away
And I was still in the same position
I hadn't moved a muscle
Until he began unzipping my jeans,
Aggressively pulling them down to my knees
Along with the underwear
That I'll probably never wear again

I never said no
But his body language told me I shouldn't
Every part of me that wanted to believe
This wasn't wrong
Was screaming because I understand now
That it was my mind protecting me from the truth

Three calloused fingers were placed into me
It felt different
It wasn't the same like the man in the back of my car
On the weekends
This felt gross and wrong in my mind
But my body betrayed me when
I let out soft moans

He realized I was bleeding and asked me
If I was on my period
I said no
And he continued to use those fingers,
Each second feeling more disgusting than the last

It was then I collected myself to make an excuse
My mom needs me home
He went to wash the blood off of his hand
While I put my clothes back on
My entire body felt weak and depleted
I felt sick to my stomach and my head was throbbing
He came back to put his head on my chest and ask
We're still friends right?
I said yes but
How could I erase that sickening feeling?

The answer is: I couldn't
I couldn't undo what had been done
I couldn't go back in time to make sure that
It was clear that I didn't want him to touch me
In the way that he did

I couldn't pinpoint why I felt that way
I didn't understand why my gut wrenched at the
Thought of his hands roaming my body
And the thought of his fingers entering the place
I'd reserved for someone else

After months of reconciliation with my family
And after seeking out help from a professional
The majority of my brain recognizes that
The boy I trusted
The boy I helped
The boy I loved
And the boy who'd been my friend for years...
He had emotionally coerced me into
Becoming the victim to his monstrous thoughts
I was the victim of his misplaced narcissism
And I was the victim of manipulation that came
In the form of sexual anger and frustration

However there are other parts of my mind
That suggest it was my fault
That I should have been the one to understand
That I was being taken advantage of
But at the same time
I never knew that someone you've known
For years could ever be capable of terrible intentions

This war in my head is a nightmare
A nightmare that shouldn't exist
It is a storm that no one should have to weather
The world is cruel and vile and revolting

But I am still here.
I still breathe in oxygen every day
And I feel the wind on my skin
While I walk across the green grass
He may have started this endless war in me
But he won't finish it.
I'll survive.