The first time I have the suicidal thought was when I was preparing for UPSR. Yes, 12 years old. I was so anxious that I was thinking if I didn't get 5As, I will kill myself. At that time, I believed that kind of thought was normal for a person who was under pressure. Still, the thought was scary and luckily I got the 5As and I never have that kind of thought again during my entire education life after that.
When thinking back about what happened at the age of 12, I always wonder how I ever think like that. Just in this recent years, back when I learned more about mental health, I realized that kind of thought for a young kid was not normal. Is it because I read too much or maybe I watching any movie or drama that related with that kind of mental health issue? Because during my childhood, I was a kid who always curious and want to learn about everything. Maybe, I did have the idea of suicide somewhere in my readings or in the dramas or movies. Or, maybe I was born with this anxiety issue. I think I will write a specific post on anxiety in my life later. Since I was sure, I was not a depressive child. But, my anxiety was always high, that's why I comfortable to write but will decline to talk.
Next, I went to secondary school, I didn't thinking much about scoring in exam. Living in hostel was new and I have lot others things to be focus. I never think about the suicidal during that 5 years study. I think, I love living in the hostel, maybe because it was not home. I have my own bed and locker. The schedule in the hostel just fit my lifestyles. I like religious school, I find peace and serenity. I love religious subjects though memorizing was difficult and learning arabic was not easy. I love listening about religious lecture. For a lot students, when religious class where ustaz/ustazah will translate the arabic books and we need to write down the meaning of the words, they will just sleep when the teachers started giving explaination and story. But, I always stay awake to listen to their stories because I like it. But, I will sleep in academic class. Typical for hostel students, we always find ways to sleep in class. I also love the musolla where we have to perform solat jamaah for every solat fardhu. We also can sleep in musolla during free time (i just love sleeping) and when something overwhelmed I can go to musolla to calm myself and pray. Life there seem easy when everything were there to follow. I also don't really worried about my study since I stop putting pressure on myself, I just need to do what I can do. I need to take it easy and enjoy my life. It was enjoyable, the best moment when I will watch the night sky on the way to and back from prep class. I miss the sky so much. I was in Perak from form 1 to 3, there were a lot of stars there almost every night, maybe because it was in rural area. For form 4 & 5, I transferred to Rawang, Selangor. The school was on top the hill so, instead of star, I watched the colourful light in the city of Rawang from our class.
After that I went to UPM. UPM is so near to home. I learned too many things that keep me in the dark during my school time when I started my campus life. I was devastating. There was a time, I have to met with a counselor because I applied for zakat. But, I cried non-stop because it was so difficult to talk about my family. I was so guilty. Ever since that, I never talk about it for almost 10 years. It was too painful to talk and I wish I was able to forget, forgive and make peace with it. Still, I cried when it was unbearable. But, I just can't talk about it to anyone. It was kept for 10 years and I just trying to forget and move on with my life.
Only last few years, when I was too overwhelmed with working, when I felt useless and guilty, when I kept making mistakes and regretted, but, I still need to keep strong because I have to support my family. Take care of my parents. After 10 years, I think, I still unable to heal the pain in my heart. That time, I started questioning if anyone love me? Although I believed there a lot people who love me. Still, I have the feeling of distrust that everyone only using me. Although I thought I have nothing useful for them to get benefits from me.
Life seem tiring me out, and I was thinking, why I need to live anymore. I just want to rest. There was a moment when I wrote down my wasiat. If I die, my insurance money can help my family a lot. But, I can't die by suicide. So, I was praying to die. I even get jealous when I heard the news that someone died. When will be my time?
It's funny that the insurance money didn't let me to kill myself. Insurance package did save people life.
Maybe my mental health problems already there deep inside me, my body, my heart, my mind or my blood. Since the anxious of UPSR that lead to suicidal thoughts, it just appeared again when life so overwhelmed during my adult days.
