This year I am 32 years old. After a year unemployed, I finally got a job as research assistant at UKM where I required to also doing my master degree in engineering.
I graduated with degree in Engineering in 2013 with cgpa 3.5. I never repeat or repair my papers during my degree. For Engineering student, to never repeat the paper is quite rare and to get pointer 3 above also a big achievement. Especially for Malay student, it is not easy. For me, to score seem easy or maybe I just lucky during examination since studying engineering was difficult as hell. I didn't even understand anything that I studied. I also regretting and wishing that I should change my course every semester during examination weeks. As a whole, the four years in engineering school was torturous and I hate it. But, alhamdulillah my result was miracle.
I decided to work for NGO after graduates because.. I was not sure why, may be I just have that kind of big idealism to serve the humanity. It's quite fun. But, I worried about future. And the work seem exhaust me so much. So, I decided to continue my study in master in publishing, where I learned about books and writing. The 3 semesters there in UM was the best because writing definitely my passion although I am not at best of it. There, I also able to write my first novel, a dream from childhood came true finally.
Since, I was not working for 3 semesters for studying, I decided to find job again while writing my dissertation. After few weeks of job hunting, I managed to get work at Pusat Khidmat Adun Kajang. Working there, surrounding with people from different backgrounds was really fun and great experience for me. I learned more about serving the community continuation from my job in NGO.
Then, I was offered to be personal assistant to Dr. Wan Azizah. I was worried and undecided. But, maybe at that time I still have a piece of the big idealism to serve the humanity left after 3 years graduated. The job was busy as hell and stressed me out. I developed stress stomachache and started to sleep with the light on because I worried I might not awake. During that time, I still doing part time job as tuition tutor at twice night per week because I need more money. I think I almost work every night. Now, I can't imagine how I managed to work so hard at that time.
Again, I worried about future and the hectic job made me forgot about the dissertation that I need to finish, eventually made me a drop-out of UM. It was the saddest and most disappointed things in my life. I regretted it so much but, I have nothing to blame other than myself who are not using the time wisely and occupied on unimportant things or just being lazy.
Then, we won the general election in 2018 and I suddenly working at Putrajaya. The job put me more pressure. I cried more and started to developed chronic headache and brain fog. My insomnia getting worse. At that moment, I just hate so much things, I can't trust anyone and my worrisome just non stop. Finally, on October 2019, I went to Sabah to see psychiatrist and diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. For the first time, I took the medical leave after around 3 years working and it was 5 weeks leave.
In denial and thinking that I might just pretending, I still did everything to heal. The worst symptoms was unable to sleep at night because of restlessness and severe headache during daytime. Other than that, I can't think, make decision, feeling stupid, brain fog, crying for long time and thinking to self harm. Alhamdulillah, I never did anything to hurt myself.
Suddenly, in February 2020, the government had to change. A lot of people disappointed, but deep inside I was relieved. Guilty with my real feeling, I show my dissappointment on public. But, I was so much happy that I finally can quit this job that I need to quit long time ago but have not courage to do it. Maybe, I don't have any pieces of big idealism to serve the humanity left anymore.
Alhamdulillah, not long after that, we have the first MCO and I didn't have to pay for my loan because of moratorium. Because of MCO also, everyone have to work from home, so, it's not only me that have to stay home because I don't have job. Again, life was hard and difficult as hell but, I thought, I just got lucky everytime. The heaven just always by my side.
During that time, I tried everything that I want to try. Selling ayam kampung, becoming property agents were something that I have in mind in long time. But, my condition still not very fit. The fatigue that bring back the severe headache will worried me to myself on pressure because the bad thought will eventually appeared after that. I just pray I will find a job that very closed to my house since driving far still scared me since I always got attack in the car after long drive. I also hope the job will not tire me out.
Alhamdulillah, I got the job as research assistant at UKM where I just need to work from home and alhamdulillah my supervisor also very flexible and nice person. I just hope I will do my best in this job for 2 years, got my master and move forward in my life.
