Yeah i think thats whats missing
I've talked it out till the cows come home with mum, i know i was in the right, im satisfied with the message i sent him. The only thing keeping me from letting it go is that i didnt get to see his reaction when he read it. And i never will. And even if i did, i wouldnt like it
Because as shitty as it sounds and for as much as my life is genuinely better without him, theres an element of revenge in cutting him off. What i want to get my perfect ending is for him to read my text and have a 'what have i done' moment. To be overcome by grief that his daughter is well and truly gone this time. But that will never happen. Because dad sees me and my sister less as people and more as objects or symbols of things. Our thoughts and feelings and actions dont matter, what matters is we do what we're supposed to do as children and love him, obey and make him look like less of a failure in front of his family. When we're good it's a reflection on him, when we're bad its an excuse to send mum abuse and all times in between we're nothing but a reminder of his failed marriage. He hates mum more than he loves us.
Dad wont be sad that i've gone. He'll be angry. But he'll be angry that im not doing what im supposed to do as his child. That he hasnt got his way. He may be bitter and twisted about it for a while and take it out on mum, but he will get over it. Just like we're just fine without him, he's just fine without us. He hasn't lost anything
But it doesnt seem fair. Because while im acclimatised to not really having a dad, most kids still HAVE DADS. Many men dont have daughters. So despite us barely knowing each other at the end of the day, i've lost out more than he has
I wanted him to be hurt
