if i die tomorrow - permanent hiatus

desperation

     "Nothing."

     I staggered back, shock and a deathly chill gripping me in its claws. 

     No. No. It couldn't be!

     Nothing, nothing at all? My hands were trembling so much that my handwriting was nearly illegible. No way. I couldn't believe this.

     Sadie shook her head, her face impassive, but I could see the toll the travel and endless prayer had taken on her soft visage. It was veiled with a delicate binding of self-control, but there was something weary behind it, something broken.

     "I had done everything I could." Her voice shook slightly. "I had pleaded and begged and prayed with all I had to Hylia, but after repeating what she had said last time, she went silent, and it was cold, so cold." She wrapped her arms around herself as though she was seeking warmth, any warmth even from her own frozen body.

     The notebook slipped out of my fingers, the pen falling with a clatter on its leather covers.

     Then I leaned forwards, the world shaking on its foundation, and suddenly I was half on my knees, hanging limp from Sadie's arms, holding me from collapsing entirely. 

     I was panting, my breath ragged with pain. Sadie was shaking from the strain, but she was still firmly supporting my weight. 

     I wanted to get up, back on my feet, but found I couldn't.

     I couldn't.

     Only later I remembered the way my shoulders trembled as though I was a dead leaf, tumbling in the wind. Only later I remembered the taste of copper in my mouth.

     I slid off of Sadie's arms and fell on the ground, on all fours. My chest heaved as I fought for every agonizing lungful of air. 

     If I had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown it up by now.

     "Link..." Sadie was near tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

     I wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault, that none of this would have happened if I hadn't turned tail and fled like a frightened rabbit, but the words wouldn't come.

     I screwed my eyes shut, stars popping into the blackness of my vision. My head was hung low, so close to the grass I could taste its scent, fresh and alive and sun-kissed.

     Sadie kneeled in front of me, her eyes wide with worry, anxiety, self-reproach. "It'll be okay. We'll find a way to work it out. I promise."

     I promise.

     No matter what tries to pull us apart, I'll find my way back to you. I promise.

     My own words, spoken at the verge of death, misted by the delirium of fever, echoed back to me, taunting me in its irony. 

     I had believed that I was to be the one to die, to leave the world behind a touch brighter with Zelda's light, her survival. I had relished in it, even. 

     Now Zelda, my Zelda, the Zelda that had thawed years and years of bitter ice around my heart, was somewhere I could never reach. 

     All because of me. Me. Me. 

     And now this girl was making another promise she could never keep.

     I blinked rapidly and pushed myself up, shaking. The world spun in my swimming vision and I stumbled. Sadie's hands were there to catch my arm.

     Thank you. I had wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come.

     Sadie and her loyalty, Sadie and her steadfast spirit. Would her blood, one day, also stain my hands?