Secret Heartbreaks

32

"Can you two at least be civil to each other? Can we still make this work? Because if you're not comfortable with this setup then I guess we should just..." Milena trailed off with a sigh. She gave Martell and I a dark look before leaving the room.

Today's the first day of the photoshoot and this already happened. I was tensed the whole time because well... I just slapped Martell for no reason yesterday and it's obviously awkward especially that he's the photographer and I'm the model.

I wanted to talk to him but I don't know what to say. I can't just tell him that I slapped him for no reason. He's also been pretending that he couldn't see me, as expected, but that obviously became a hindrance on what we're doing.

I also think that everyone here sensed that there's something going on between us because even though we're not really doing anything, I guess the vibe we give off created tension thus affecting our shoot and making it obvious that we are not in good terms.

"I'm sorry," I said, breaking the silence. Only the two of us are in the room since everyone left for a break. Milena was the last to leave but after she scolded us, she walked out, clearly disappointed with our unprofessionalism.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. I swallowed hard and slowly brought my eyes to where he is.

He's sitting on one of the stools and it seems like he's fixing something on his camera. He glanced at my direction before placing his camera on the table beside him, then turning to me and looked at me as if I'm a puzzle he's trying to solve.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at napalunok ulit. Tumingala siya sa akin at samu't saring emosyon kasabay ng pagdoble ng pintig ng puso ko ang naging epekto ng seryoso niyang pagtitig sa akin. Hindi siya nakangiti ngunit hindi na ganoon kalamig ang kaniyang mga mata.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat na bang gumaan ang loob ko dahil hindi na ang karaniwang matalim niyang tingin ang binibigay niya sa akin o dapat na ba akong mabahala dahil baka may iba siyang plano at bigla na lang siyang umatake?

Kung ang balak niya ay pakabahin ako ng todo-todo ay nagtagumpay siya. Wala pa nga siyang sinasabi ay naghuhumerantado na ang kalooban ko. Nagtititigan lang naman kami pero parang nahihimatay na ako. Ang mas masaklap pa sa sitwasyon ko ay hindi ko alam kung ang dahilan ba ng kabang ito ay dahil sa takot sa kaniya o epekto ito ng hindi mawala-walang nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya.

"I'm sorry for slapping you yesterday," I spoke again and swallowed hard. His silence and the way he looks at me has a surprisingly tremendous effect on me. "There's no reason why I did and I don't know why I did... so I'm sorry... I really am..."

Ba't ko naman kasi siya sinampal?! Wala naman siyang ginawa pero ba't ginawa ko iyon? Malaki na nga ang kasalanan ko sa kaniya tapos dinagdagan ko pa! Ang mas nakakahiya at masaklap pa ay dahil tinulungan niya ako kahapon at siya ang nagbayad ng mga pinamili ko. Imbes na magpasalamat ay sampal pa ang iginawad ko sa kaniya.

"Is that all?" He asked, his eyes still not leaving me.

"Huh?" Lito kong tanong. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig.

Sandali kaming nagtitigan bago siya suminghal at saka tumayo na habang umiiling. At dahil nakatayo ako sa harapan niya ay malamang pagkatayo niya ay sobrang lapit namin sa isa't isa kaya napaatras ako at muntik nang mabuwal dahil sa gulat. 

Mabilis niya akong nahawakan at hinapit sa baywang. Magkadikit ang aming mga tiyan at may kung anong init galing doon at sa baywang ko, kung nasaan ang kaniyang mga kamay, na dumaloy sa buong katawan ko. Hindi pa nakatulong ang intensidad ng kaniyang tingin at ang kalooban kong naghuhumerantado.

This is the first time after I left that we are this close to each other. Our close proximity is enough to give me that sudden rush of nostalgia. Longing and sadness filled my chest. It's the painful kind of nostalgia— the one that tells me that I won't be able to make memories similar to the ones causing this rush.