Affection {a Monika x Yuri fanfiction}

Chapter 9: beautiful depression

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The chapter was originally going to be 'Reflection' but I changed it up to 'beautiful depression' 

anyway here's a random song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XABCDXvEAHs

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Yuri POV

01:42 AM, Sunday

I lay down on my bed. As usual, I remember the happy times I had back then with Monika... I wish I could be happy again. If only I could go back in time... I can't even say why I want to. Everything feels like a mess. My vision get's blurry. Am I crying? I've got to stay strong. I can do this. I know... I know I can. I-

"Yuri"

"Do you really think things are that easy?"

"Think about it."

"Why do you think Monika hates you so much?"

"That's because you're useless. you're a burden."

"Can you find one positive thing about yourself?"

I want to scream. What is this? Where am I? I swear I was in my room just a second ago. And now It's all black. And where is that voice coming from? The voice sounds like it's.... My voice? But why would I say such horrible things? I know I had said things like that in the past but I've stopped doing that lately. I hear the voice whisper in my head once more.

"You're so hopeless."

"Monika doesn't care about you... isn't it clear?"

"Why do you hold on to that hope?"

"You deserve to suffer."

"You deserve to see her happy without you."

"You deserve to be alone."

"You deserve.."

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"ENOUGH! Enough.. Please..." I shout across the dark and black room. Luckily the voice stopped but... I... I can't... I can't breathe... I'm sobbing uncontrollably. Everything feels so strange around me. "N-No... No please... I can't... Stand it... Anymore... Those bad dreams..."

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I wake up gasping for air as I almost fell out of my bed. My pillow is drenched with tears. I want to vomit. My mind is making me suffer. I'm the one saying those horrible things to myself. "I... I.." I can't stop tears from falling. I said I'd stop crying. But who wouldn't break down after such a dream? "Monika... P-Please..." I tightly hug my pillow. I've done that since I was a little kid when I felt sad. My sobbing stops, but I can't think clearly. "I need... S-Some fresh air..." I open the window for a bit and I peek outside. Monika is already gone. We would usually walk together to school however she didn't show up now. I remember the dream. What's happening to me is all my fault. I deserve it. I stare at one of my drawers. I stare intensely at the one where I keep all of my knives.

I open the drawer. I take the biggest and the sharpest knife. I took the kitchen knife. I placed the knifes end on my wrist. The knife barely even touched my skin and yet I still managed to make a small little cut. Yes that is how sharp the kitchen knife is. 

One cut

two cuts

Three cuts

Ten cuts

I was constantly cutting myself. The only sound filling my room was the sound of my horrifying laughter and slight crying. I even let out a moan of pleasure while doing one of the cuts. However a little drop of blood managed to escape one of my cuts and landed on my bed sheet. "S-Shit... I-I'll need t-to clean t-that later..." The more I cut the more blood escaped the cuts to the point where there were hundreds of blood drops on my bed covers. Fuck... I'll need to change my covers after that... I put my knife in my school bag.