HINDSIGHT

003

The sun has already risen. Great. It's a new fucking day. Another day of suffering. Binuksan ko ang pintuan namin at pumasok. Like the usual, it was gloomy, no signs of life, and eerily quiet. That's why I hate being here. Walang kabuhay buhay ang bahay na ito. "Where have you been?" Napahinto ako nang marinig ko yon. Humarap ako at nakita ko ang aking ama. "Just somewhere." Malamig kong ani. I don't know why he's even asking me. It's not like he's concerned about me.

"Eleana Jul, hindi ki–" he stopped mid sentence. I raised my brow. "What? Hindi mo ako ano?" Mapait kong tugon sa kanya. I was no longer surprised by how bitter my remark was. I always gave them signs, nevertheless they perpetually failed to read these. I always walked on thin lines around them. I grew up all alone. I used to think it was like this with every family, or was it just mine? Perhaps I was accustomed to these sensations that it never mattered what other families are like. If it weren't for my friends, I would be long gone.

"Eleana, I didn't intend for this to happen. I want you to know that I am concerned for you." I scoffed. Is he serious? Ngayon pa niya sasabihin yan when the damage is beyond repair? When I am beyond repair? "Oh, really? Then I guess it's good for you." I sarcastically replied. My tears are starting to well up. I looked up and blinked a couple of times to avoid that from happening. I hate being like this. I trained myself hard to be emotionless once confronted, but I can't seemingly keep up with my training. It just hurts so fucking much. "If you didn't intend for this, then what? You let me become like this. You made me like this." I uttered, full of spite.

He made a miserable expression. I could see pain in his eyes. "Look at what you made. You made a monster out of me." My voice cracked and became hoarse. Umiling siya at lumapit sakin. He held me by the arm but I swatted his hand away. "Don't touch me." Mariin kong wika. "I am sorry. I regret everything." He closed his eyes and a tear fell down his cheek.

"You regret?" I cannot even begin to believe what I just heard. I didn't want to believe him. "You are rueful just now? When what you did could no longer be undone?" Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. There is so much hostility in me now. I don't know what to feel. Should I be hostile and mad at my father or should I be empathetic? "I've fallen short, Eleana." You could hear sorrow in his voice. He looks very dejected. I don't know my father that much. You could say I didn't bother knowing anything about him anymore. Especially when he was the one who put me through this misery. Who in their right minds would blame an innocent child for the death of someone equally precious to them? And most certainly, your own parent. As if I do not share the same sentiments. I felt naught but wretchedness all these damn years. I never failed to shed tears for my late mother. I always mourned for her. "You have forsaken and condemned me."

"You condemned me of a crime I didn't commit. You didn't even spare me a minute of your fucking time to listen to me. You shut me down." Nakayuko lang siya habang nakikinig sakin. He should be mortified. I shook my head while looking at him with much grudge and pain. Maybe the time would never come when I could stand in the same room and breathe in the same air as them. It is merely out of the question. I cannot seemingly tolerate them any longer. I've tolerated enough.

Tinungo ko ang pinto namin. He called for me but I didn't bother to look back. I have tried everything with all my might. I gave all of me. I wanted their attention; I craved for it. I longed and yearned for their love and care, but to no avail. For them, I am the adversary who so selfishly took the living life out of her own mother. I did not mean for that to happen.

I ran and screamed at the top of my lungs. Muli na namang bumuhos ang mga ulan. The cold haze enveloped my already numbed body.

...

"El!" Aira welcomed me with much enthusiasm. She hugged my wet and cold body. "Ew, you're so wet." She made a disgusted look and ushered me inside. I rolled my eyes on her. "Ang arte mo." She giggled and handed me a clean towel. Andito ako ngayon sa condo niya. This became my second home. "I know." Iniling ko na lang ang ulo in disbelief. "Ano na naman ang nangyare?" Linagpasan ko siya at nagpunta sa banyo. "It's never getting any better." Tugon ko sa kanya. Naramdaman kong sumunod siya sakin. I removed my jacket and pants. "Kailan ba naging?" She leaned on the door frame and crossed her arms while looking at me.

Oo nga naman. When did it get better? I can't remember. "Sanay naman na ako." Pumasok ako sa may shower room at sinara ang curtain shower. I adjusted first the heater before I opened the shower. "I just don't get them. It was an accident, so why blame you?" I could hear the frustration in her tone. "Huwag mo akong tanungin dahil yan din ang tanong ko." I rinsed off the shampoo and the lather. "Yeah, yeah. Anong gusto mong kainin? I'm sure hindi ka pa kumakain simula kahapon." She's right. Kaya magkaibigan kami nitong babaeng to. She knows me way better than anyone else. "And please, wag mong gawing tubig ang alak." I laughed at her remark. "Okay po, nay." I replied.

"Fuck you!" I heard her close the door. I stayed under the water for several minutes. The warm water calmed my raging storms. I always do this whenever I encounter a mishap. Aside from drugs, cigarettes, and alcohols, this is my therapy. It feels so cathartic whenever I do this. I closed my eyes. Tumingala ako para damhin ang mainit na tubig. Memories of the discord I had with my father earlier came flooding in.

I regret everything.

Did he? Or did he say that to cradle more of my misery? What he did is still fresh as a newly open wound. He treated me like a rabid dog.

"I am not insane!" I screamed at them as I tried to free myself from their grip. "Dad, please! I am begging you! Tell them to let go of me!" Tears poured down my face endlessly as I beg my father to release me. "Ano ba! Can't you hear me?! Hindi ako baliw!" I looked at my father. "Dad, please. Don't do this to me. Kuya, please!" Lumapit si kuya sakin. He squatted to my level. Nakaluhod ako ngayon habang pilit nagpupumiglas. Hinawakan ako ni kuya sa magkabilang balikat.

"I am so sorry, El. But I want you to know we are doing this for your own good." He is looking at me intently, his voice is gentle but at the same time there is pain in it. Paulit ulit kong iniling ang ulo ko. "Please! Don't do this." I said, weeping and begging. He closed his eyes and stood up. "Kuya! Please! Dad! Parang awa niyo na! Don't do this!" Nagpupumiglas ako when one of the nurses, who was holding a syringe, walked towards us. "What's that?" The other two nurses held me tightly and stretched my arm. "No!" I gathered all my strength to release myself but it was beyond any chances. I felt the needle pierced through my skin and everything went pitch black. I was only fourteen.

I opened my eyes only to shut it immediately when the brightness illuminated my whole sight. Napahawak ako sa mga mata ko. Ramdam kong maga ito, marahil sa kakaiyak ko kanina. My left hand caught my attention. There is an IV attached to it. I roamed my vision inside the four corners of the room. It appears to be like a psychiatric ward. "Do they take me as deranged?" I bitterly uttered to myself. The door swung open so I turned to look who was it. "Oh, gising ka na pala." A nurse from earlier came in. I did nothing but follow and observe each move of the nurse. Tumayo siya ngayon sa harap ko habang tulak tulak ang cart na dala niya. "Sorry pala kanina. Trabaho ko kasi ito. Wala akong magawa." Aniya at hinalungkat ang cart. I don't know what he was searching for, but whatever it is, I didn't bother myself to pay any attention to it.

"Ilang taon ka na ba?" He took out what appears to be a bottle of medicine from the cart. "Mukhang bata ka pa. Pero huwag mo nang intindihin yon. Papagalingin kita." My brows furrowed, but I didn't say anything. I never respond to any of his questions. He opened several bottles of medicine and placed it in a small cup, then later on handed me the small cup full of assorted medicine tablets. "Ayan. Inumin mo yan." Kinuha ko yon at pinakatitigan. I am not insane. I am fully lucid. Walang mali sakin. "Inumin mo na." I looked up at him. He smiled at me. Unti unti kong linapit sa bibig ko yung gamot. Before I even drank the medicine, I threw it at his face. "Ay! Bakit mo naman ginawa yun?" Pinulot niya yung mga gamot na nasa sahig na ngayon.

Muli akong napatingin sa kamay kong may IV. Hinawakan ko iyon and almost pulled it, but the nurse came in between my plans. "Ay nako, bebe girl. Wag mong hilahin yan at masakit yan." I swatted his hand and tried to pull it off again. Pinigilan niya ako ulit at pinindot yung intercom. "Let go of me." I almost whispered these words. May mga nurse na pumasok sa kwarto. Perhaps because he pushed the intercom. Yung isa may hawak na syringe. I got frightened at the mere sight of it. "Don't!" I shouted at them. I shook my head continuously for them to cease what they were scheming. Muli akong nag pumiglas nung hinawakan na ako ng mga nurse sa magkabila kong braso. "Please!" Pagmamakaawa ko pero wala itong saysay.