the game | stiles stilinski²

CHAPTER XLVI - SAVE MYSELF

'just remember i love you Stiles Stilinski'

TW: Contains actions of self harm and suicide

There say there are five stages of grief, five stages of pain people find themselves spiralling through after they loose somebody they love, five stages that happen when a person dies, death was something the McCall pack was surrounded by. Denial, she denied that Allison was gone, she refused to believe that the last time she had seen her best friend, her hands had been laid on the sword impaled inside her, she refused to believe that Allison Argent was dead. Anger, it seemed to be the one emotion haunting her, every breath she took her body was overwhelmed with anger because she shouldn't be the one alive. Bargaining, she found herself struggling to find the meaning behind 'everything happened for a reason', because no matter how many time she replayed those words inside her mind, she never seemed to find a reason why she had to die. Depression, those pills that laid in her bed side drawer that had become a forgotten memory seemed to seep back into her mind and her once dry eyes now were a continuous flow of tears. Acceptance, she had yet to reach that stage of grief and she didn't think she ever would, how does somebody accept that somebody they love is dead.

Nothing made a difference anymore because In the end, when you find yourself loosing somebody, no matter how many candles you light and how many prayers you say, nothing makes up for the fact that you are always left with a hole in your life where that person used to be, one that never goes away. And it was only now she began to see how she could no longer use sleep to escape the world, every time she closed her eyes, she was back to that place, her hands were placed back on that sword and Allison died all over again. Because everything seemed to be simply the same, every hour, every minute, every time her eyes opened and closed, she realised a part of her was gone. She felt how her soul had once again turned into one of misery, one that plagued her thoughts, it was now she dreaded living because it felt worse than death.

But Lilac Collins was rather good at hiding how she felt because nobody dared asked her how she doing, she found herself wondering if they noticed her tired eyes that were brimming with tears or the way she walked so heavily it seemed she might fall or maybe they had noticed she hadn't smiled since that night because she still heard that whimper that left the dying girls mouth, the one right before she died and she found herself wishing for it to be her. And all her life she had been afraid of the dark, afraid of what lurked in the night and what horrors awaited her in the shadows but for the first time in her life, Lilac Collins was no longer afraid of the dark, instead she was afraid of something that couldn't be cured by the simple flick of a switch, she was afraid of something that she could never get rid of.

She was afraid of herself.

She could still see the crimson liquid that coated her hands, no matter how many times she scrubbed at them and no matter how many times the water washed over her reddened skin, her mind continued to play tricks on her. It was like the story of Lady Macbeth, the one where she lost her mind ever so slowly all because of a craving for power, the one where they committed a crime so brutal and so horrid but right now, she was fitting the role rather perfectly. She felt the pain, the stinging from the scolding water, the skin that had been scrubbed until it bled but still she felt herself slowly losing her mind once more. Her mind had always been a place she was afraid of, it was a place that allowed her to overthink and one that held all the memories of pain and right now, it felt like it was overflowing.