F R A G I L E

m a t e s

Sometimes it's the smallest thing,
Somehow it's the inevitable
Some times i feared
Somehow i barely ached.

Yet they talked to me
With obnoxious words
And striking emojis.
And funny memes.
Ignoring the tension.
Ignoring the elephant.

Yet they describe me with ease,
With fond little smiles
And inside jokes
And wandering hand
Shoulder brushing
Lips smiling.

Is it possible to lose interest in friendship?

Is that how you feel when my tweets greet you?

Is that how I feel when you video call me?

Is that how you feel when i text you?

Is that how I feel when answering you?

What about the little things i shared with you?

What about the motivation i sent you even when im dying?

Maybe,  this is all in my head.
Maybe this is just how you works
Maybe it's my fault thinking you're my anchor.
Maybe it's my fault.

What happen to that fond smiles when you look at me? 

What happen to those sticky notes you put in my bag? 

What happen to those late night calls?

Why would you look at me with stiff shoulders?

But sometimes,
In the loneliness of darkest night,
I think,

When
Did
You
Ever
Heal
My
Wounded
Heart

I think,

When
Did
I
Ever
Hold
Onto
You

I think,

When
Did
I
Ever
Cry
On
You.

I think,

When
Did
I
Ever
Relied
On
You.

To the end,  i realised it was just me.
All the rushing breath in lungs,
All the sweatiness of my palm,
All the sobs i muted
All the chemical imbalance that fatigued me.

I faced it alone.

So why,

you

Spoke

Like

You

Know

Me?

-a.

Black flies on the windowsill
That we are, that we are, that we are to hold
Comfort came against my will
Every story must grow old
Still, I'll be a traveller
A gypsy's reins to face

But the road is wearier
With that fool found in your place
No man is an island
Of this I know

But can't you see, or
Or maybe you were the ocean
When I was just a stone

[Black Flies- Ben Howard]