F R A G I L E

n u m b

.....

She open her eyes,
recognizing the familiarity of the lightness of her body,
that floats in the middle of the black sea.

She looks up,
staring at the dark clouds that hides the gloomy sky,
she clench her fist ,
wondering why the hell she can feel this sadness,
because for once,
she feels sad,
she feels like crying,
she want to scream at the sky;
for covering the sunlight,
for covering the sunshine,
for hiding the sun,
and for once,
she found herself disappointed in the gloomy sky.

She used to admire the gloomy sky,
she wanted to touch the dark clouds,
she wanted to thank them for hiding her from light,
because she hated brightness,
she wanted to thank the clouds for poured bitter rain to cover her tears,
because she hated crying.
She used to love the black sea surrounding her,
the black sea that drowned her emotions underneath,
because she hated to feel.

But right now,
for once,
she want to feel,
she fights the numbness that froze her heart,
she want to smile,
she want to cry,
heck she want to feel.

And for once,
she hates the black sea,
she hates floating,
she want to walk on the land,
she want to see colour,
she want to watch the sun.

So for once,
She is looking for land,
the end of this black sea that she never seem to care,
she swims, and swims,
move her stiff arms and legs to push the water behind,
and slowly,
she is moving onward.

"Stop crying, it's embrassing. "
the waves push her backward.
"You can't fail, you are not supposed to. "
"You are our hope, don't fail. "
"You don't understand, you are perfect. "
"You take everything from me. "
She pleads those voices to stop,
because those voices seem to control the waves that keep pushing her backward.
She feels so far from the land,
but she keeps moving her arms and legs,
because she doesn't want to give up,
not yet.

"Leave her alone, stop it. "
She swims through the sea,
smoothly, she's going onward.
"It's not your fault, why do you feel guilty for your own success? "
She smiles while exhaling a shaky breath before she swims again,
she can see the land,
for once,
she feels hope.
"I won't let them hurt you. "
Onward. She's going onward.
"Trust me, breath, just breath, don't panic."
"Breath with me, don't panic. "
The land is there, she can see it.

"You don't belong here. "
"Go away, I can't stand you. "
"You disappoint me. "
"Don't tell anything. "
"You disappoint me. "
"You shouldn't do mistake. "
"Idiot, be more alert! "
She doesn't understand,
she tries to swim but she's going backward,
she tries to fight the waves, but it's so heavy she keeps going backward,
the battle between her and the sea waves start to cloud her minds,
she feels dizzy and nauseous.

But she doesn't want to stop,
not until -
"Why can't you trust me? "
"How can I understand you if you can't trust me? "
"You are my bestfriend , you need to trust me. "
"I'm tired of this. "
"Am I not good enough? "
"Do you even acknowledge me for being your bestfriend? "
"I'm busy, talk later. "
"I don't think we are suitable to be.. friends."
"You keep blocking me! I want to help! "
"For God's sake, I'm tired of this! "
"That's not true, I care for you. "
"I want to trust you, but what you told me didn't make any sense. "
"That doesn't make sense. "
"That doesn't make sense. "
"You are just imagining it. "
"Oh c'mon, no one can feel that much. "
"I- I don't know, it's not that I didn't trust you, but,
It doesn't make any sense. "

She-
is confuse.
That familiar voice,
didn't command the waves to push her backward,
but didn't make her feels like going onward.

In the middle of the sea,
she stops swimming,
the nauseas started to gone,
the dizziness makes her feel effortless,
she feels the emptiness creep onto her,
her fragile heart froze,
she can't feel sadness,
she want to sleep but she is not sleepy,
she doesn't feel hungry,
she doesn't feel anything.

She feels empty,
she feels numb,
She feels-
like home.
The black sea comfort her,
the dark clouds smile encouragingly,
the gloom sky, help her hides from the sun,
she feels normal,
she feels different,
the pain, she can't feel the agony,
she's at home.

After all, all of this didn't make any sense.

Maybe one day,
she will swims again,
after all , she knows the way to the land now.

But at this moment,
she's at home.

--a.

To be continued.
There, words hurt.