Outside of Fear

Chapter Twenty-Two

Meredith stands in her bedroom after her shower, topless, looking in the mirror. Since the first time they tried aquatic therapy, she and Derek have been going whenever they have the chance. Meredith also continues physical therapy with Megan, but now it's lessened from daily to three or four times a week. 

She's definitely stronger. But not strong enough.

She sighs, staring at her body. Meredith has always had a smaller build, but that build used to be solid: there was lean muscle on every part of her body, simply from being in the military. Now, her abs are relaced by scars, and her once-toned legs and arms don't look anything like how she remembers them.

She looks and feels weak. Unlike herself.

Even her eyes. Meredith doesn't recognize the haunted look in her eyes. That look wasn't there when she was overseas. That look is new. 

She knows exactly what it's from.

Meredith changes the dressings on her wounds, putting gauze over them once again. This should be one of the last times she needs to do this. According to the most recent post-op check, she's healing very well.

The sun is just rising, and Meredith is already showered and dressed. She doesn't feel any effects from the drinks she had the night before at the ball, which is slightly surprising. 

Dread builds in her stomach. Derek wants to talk today. How is she supposed to tell him anything? She's never done this before.

Coffee. Coffee will soothe her nerves. 

Meredith leaves her bedroom and goes to the kitchen, making a pot of coffee and pouring herself a mug. She takes it black.

Bella trots over to her, and Meredith lets the dog outside. She stands on the porch, looking at the colorful sky as the sun climbs, smelling the damp post-rain scent of the grass and forest around the house. Dark clouds are rolling in, and the wind is picking up. Another storm is on the way.

"Hey."

His voice makes her turn, and she smiles faintly at Derek, who is leaning against the side of the front door. Bella comes running back to greet him. Even with her limp, she's still incredibly fast. 

"Breakfast?" Derek offers.

Meredith just shakes her head, her stomach revolting at the thought of eating. "Maybe we should just get this over with," she murmurs.

"If that's what you want." Derek shrugs. He has all day to wait. As long as their talk happens, it doesn't matter to him when. Although, he'd like it sooner rather than later.

Meredith has to force herself not to roll her eyes. What she really wants is to not have this conversation at all. They head back into the house, Derek going to pour a cup of coffee for himself.  

An unusual awkward, pregnant silence fills the room.

It's past seven in the morning now. Meredith has no idea why either of them is up this early. She slept pretty well last night, which is a rarity. She clears her throat and sits at the kitchen table. Derek copies the move, sitting across from her.

"What do you want to know?" Meredith asks. She really has no idea where this conversation is going to go.

"I...I don't know, Mer. The first thing on my mind is Nathan Riggs. What exactly was the relationship between you two?"

Well, that's an easy one to start with. Meredith has lost any romantic feelings for her ex, so she quickly explains how Riggs is really the only other serious relationship in her life- besides some random college boyfriend years ago. They broke up but slept together for a while after. Eventually, Meredith was transferred and they stopped talking almost altogether.