Outside of Fear

Chapter Twenty-Four

Derek is kept busy on the couch, yelling at Mark, mostly, and completely focused on the game at hand. The two near-brothers have always had a rivalry when it came to video games, and Derek is not about to give up his crown.

That is, until he feels a shaky hand on his shoulder. Stopping his yelling momentarily, he turns to see Teddy standing over him, looking both anxious and sick.

"Are you okay?" He tosses his controller to Jackson, demanding that he doesn't mess up his progress, and turns back to the vet.

"Um, you may want to go check on her." Teddy's voice wavers. "The bathroom."

Derek is confused for a second, scotch making his thoughts come slowly, but as soon as an explosion sounds from the television so loud it causes the room to shake, he realizes what Teddy means. Fear and guilt crash over him instantly and mercilessly.

"Turn that down!" He yells at the other surgeons, who all give him confused looks but obey, bringing the volume of the game down to dull. "Are you okay?" He repeats again, studying Teddy's face.

"I'm gonna uh, just get some fresh air, I think." She nods, casting a wary look at the television then breaking away, heading towards the front door.

Derek makes his way urgently to the closed bathroom door and knocks lightly. "Meredith? Mer, are you in there?"

Icy cold emotions flood over him and, scared by the lack of response, he knocks again. "Meredith, are you okay?" Still nothing. "I'm coming in."

He opens the door and sticks his head in, his heart plummeting. She looks pale and exhausted, sitting on the floor with her head tilted back. He steps in and closes the door behind him. "Meredith."

She opens her eyes to look at him, acknowledging his presence with a weak smile. "I'm sorry."

"What the hell are you sorry for?" He sinks to the ground next to her, studying her face.

She shrugs, her voice soft and shaking. "Ruining the party. I think I had too much to drink. Or my system isn't used to the greasiness of that unhealthy food."

"You're not ruining the party." He insists. "How are you feeling?"

"Sick. Slow." She swallows thickly. "Scared." His face must have shown his confusion, so she continues. "It's just a game. I-I don't know why..."

Derek presses his lips together. "I am so sorry, I-I should have known not to...I should've known better. It's my fault, I didn't think-"

"Don't be stupid," Meredith cuts him off, her voice very weak. "It's just a game. It doesn't mean anything."

Derek doesn't buy her act, all too used to the I'm fine mask she wears. "I should have used my head before I suggested we play it. I was an idiot and didn't think about you or Teddy." He wants to punch himself in the face right now, he's so angry. It should have been obvious that a violent war game wasn't the best choice for entertainment. He's such an asshole.

"It's just a damn video game," she repeats. "It's not your fault."

"I can't imagine the memories it must have brought up. I'm so sorry." He says, weakly attempting to see if she'll talk to him.

Meredith quivers, images of blood and gore flashing through her mind. She's mortified that she's like this in front of Derek, wishing that the dreams and flashbacks would just stop.

"You don't get it," she starts, "you can't even begin to comprehend what kind of things we saw over there. I told you stories about cool surgeries. Lives I saved miraculously. You don't know about the ones I lost. Those..." she bites her lip, "those are the ones that haunt me."