After hours

Chapter Forty-Two

                Just like that I was wrapped back up in the same cycle. The hidden romance, the sneaking around. The guilt, the anger, the fighting. The passion, the romance, the lust.

                Daniel had me wrapped around his finger, and the familiarity of the situation was actually comforting. It was like taking a toddler out for the day, shopping, to visit relatives, they got through it fine and maybe even had a good time but there were no words to describe the feeling when they arrived home and pulled their wa-wa, or stuffed bear, or favorite blanket, into their arms. Daniel was my wa-wa and I had missed him even more than I realized.

                At first, everything was magical, wonderful, fantastic. Being with Daniel gave me all of the warm and fuzzy feelings inside. I felt like I was at home for the first time since we had ended things. Daniel gave me back my ring and I’d accepted it with tears and squeals.

                After the shock of things wore away I realized something unsettling. Being with Daniel now felt different. In a way I couldn’t quite explain. It was like things just didn’t fit together the way they had before. It felt almost as if something was missing.

                I chalked it up to nerves. I was holding him at arms length again. I was scared to get hurt so I wouldn’t give him my all. But then why was I wearing this ring? Why were more and more of his clothes ending up in my closet? Why did he come into my house yelling “Honey I’m home” multiple times a week?

                The first time he had done it I had laughed and jumped him on the spot. When he started doing it twice weekly I was still feeling warm and fuzzy and thought surely this was a great sign. A sign we were actually started our life together. He was home. When this became a three to four times a week thing I realized something startling.

                He was closing in on me.

                This is what I had been waiting for. For two years, I had been waiting for this part of our relationship. Where we could start our lives together.

                “You’re holding back.” Daniel had muttered one night.  We were taking a casual stroll through the park. Something not so long ago we would have never done this. We’d never do anything like this in public, we wouldn’t even go out to eat together unless other coworkers joined us. But here we were, just enjoying the park together.

                “No I’m not.” I lied.

                “It’s different this time Ryan. You don’t have to be afraid.” He said and nudged me with his elbow playfully. His hands were shoved in his pockets as were mine.

                It was different this time. Daniel didn’t realize it, but he had hit the nail right on the head with his words. Why was it different though?

                I still loved him just as much, more so maybe even. The thought of losing him again made me physically ill. The idea of him and Victoria made me instantly annoyed. I loved him, and I wanted him, so what the hell was the problem?

                “I just don’t feel very good.” I let my mouth do the talking again, paying little attention to what it actually said.

                “Working on making me a little Daniel Junior?” He teased. I sighed heavily. “Hey, I was just joking.” He bumped into me playfully trying to lighten the mood but I wasn’t biting.

                We walked in silence for a few more moments, both deep in our own thought.

                “I just don’t know how to make you happy Ryan.” He finally said.