Lisa's confessions

Chapter 4

I'm not okay- H.E.R

Sick to my stomach
Four in the morning I can't sleep
In and out the city
Worried bout' where you may be
Feels like I've been here
Stressing the things that I can see
Where do you go? What do you do?
Without me, without me

I'm not okay, I'm not okay
I'm not okay,no I'm not okay
I'm not okay, no I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Losing my faith, I'm losing my faith
Slipping away, your slipping away
I'm not okay, no I'm not okay
I'm not okay

Feel a little guilty, uh
Feel like it's written all over me
Tryna find a balance, trusting you, trusting me
Feel a little heavy
Holding on to something that I don't need
I've been going through it, yeah
I've been going through it

I'm not okay, I'm not okay
I'm not okay,no I'm not okay
I'm not okay, no I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Losing my faith, I'm losing my faith
Slipping away, your slipping away
I'm not okay, no I'm not okay
I'm not okay

All I want (all I want)
Take me home
Hold me close (yeah)
Please don't let me go
I don't know, I don't know
Can you call from wherever you are
Swear I feel you
Hold me tight, hold me tight
Makes me cry
She run so far,here we are, here we are

I'm not okay, I'm not okay
I'm not okay,no I'm not okay
I'm not okay, no I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Losing my faith, I'm losing my faith
Slipping away, your slipping away
I'm not okay, no I'm not okay
I'm not okay

Me: "Can I please be alone uncle T?" I say staring into space.

Uncle T: "Are you sure?"

I nod my head.

Uncle T: "Okay I'll be back soon, I'm going to fetch Thato from school."

Me: "Cool."

He gives me a pitiful look and walks out closing the door behind him.

I stare into space, in deep thoughts. My body aching, my soul broken. Hurt beyond measure, no words can express the way I'm feeling. Uma wami, ongzalayo, thrashed me like a dog with no remorse whatsoever. Whipped me like her life depends on it leaving an unpleasant sensation all over my body. Anger, rage, hatred is all that I witnessed in her eyes. My cries, screams, begging were all in vain.

How could she be so ruthless? It felt like she was possessed by something because a normal human being doesn't have so much adrenaline. That woman beating me was not my mother. She's a monster!

I refrain from drowning myself in negative thoughts. I take a halt from the waterworks, try to sit up straight. There's no point in feeling sorry for myself. What would help me right now is a joint but I've got nothing on me. They confiscated the one I had left, my plug is in Pimville and I'm in Queenstown. I guess this is God's way of punishing me for my sins. Maybe the one for sex before marriage. LOL.

If I found out my child smokes weed, what would I do? I think to myself. I would honestly think uphetwe yistage. Ground her maybe for a month and get her some psychological help because I don't know what drove her to start smoking. It could be peer pressure or it could be emotional pain. Who would know?

I slowly get up. I close my eyes tightly as I feel some excruciating pain on my buttocks. I limp my way to the bathroom. Thank God there's a bathroom in my room. I enter the bathroom and it's pretty spacious compared to the one in Pimville. There's a very large, full body mirror on the wall. I look at this person through the mirror and all of a sudden I can't stand her. She's a disappointment to human race. Mirror mirror, why show me this shame?