Lisa's confessions

Chapter 17

She turned the page of wounds and death with trembling fingers. In a breath, the gladness of her life became naught but a memory and a name.

"So how do you feel?" She asks sadistically.

I chuckle and brush my edgy French crop haircut, thinking hard. How do I feel? "Tell me mam, if you were in my shoes how would you feel?" I ask giving her an intense gaze. "How would you feel after being sexually assaulted and every man you come across somehow has their same scent. When you lose the one person that kept you sane in your time of distress? How would you feel when you have panic attacks when trying to engage in sexual intercourse? " I elaborate squinting my eyes.

She slightly nods her head, adjusting her glasses right at the hinge and jots down God knows what on that notebook. Nothing she said made sense to me this whole session. She was trying to sound profound, giving me superficial knowledge dressed up with big words and it's beginning to get on my nerves.

Yes, my mother hired a shrink for me because apparently, "I need someone to talk to". But this shrink right here is shrinking the amount of tolerance I have left in me. It's been two months now, basically a new year and a lot has been changed and a lot has been lost. Selena travelled to the UK to further her studies. But we still keep in touch. Kholwani and I made a mutual decision to break up because of my panic attacks and how I despised him because of the scent I keep smelling. It's a justifiable reason to break up right? I'm pursuing my law career in Blue mountains university. Why I chose criminal law? Because of my personal experiences. From the weed, to the sexual assault. Uncle T actually offered me an internship that pays by the way. LOL.

Uncle T and mommy dearest are getting married soon! Cheers to them! And apparently Sbusiso is getting married too. Good luck to his wife!

I'm impatiently tapping my foot in wait for Dr Festinger to dismiss me. I'm so glad I shaved my hair otherwise I would literally be pulling my hair infuriating. "What is your view on tatoos?" I decide to break the silence scrolling on tatoos in my phone. "One of the decisions I regret making. I have one myself but I couldn't donate blood to my late dad all because of a mere tatoo." She says slowing down her sentence. That's sad but she's off topic. Besides I'm the patient here. If I was her psychologist, I would ask her "How do you feel?" I rolled my eyes skyrocketing them all the way back.

I want a tatoo on my back of the day I was sexually harassed in cursive and maybe dye my hair green as it represents restoration. It's also known for it's balanced healing properties. I rise to my feet releasing a huge sigh. "When is our next session by the way?" I ask grabbing my belongings. " Uhmm..Ms Ntshingila you're scheduled for Tuesday!" "Yeah I'm never coming back here, but my mom will keep paying you don't worry."I say pandiculating. "That is not part...." Before she even continues I put on my headsets and head for the door. Shrinks? Waste of money I tell you. I'm listening to 'Riot' by Summer walker. That song still slaps.

I give Sabelo a ring and he answers on the third ring. It's a norm for him to always answer after the third ring. "Mfo." He answers. " Mfo I'm done talking to this lady please come fetch me." "On my way." He says and hangs up. I forgot to add I own a gun now. Uncle T made it a priority that I go to a shooting range. Hopefully I never get to use it on someone. I have come to a conclusion that uncle T is a thug and I have zero complaints about it.

In five minutes Sabelo has arrived. I hop into the car and we exchange greetings. I inform him to take me to Jenny's tatoos and we head there. Finally did my tatoo and the date will forever be fresh in my mind. 05/12/2020. I head to Ivans to dye my hair lime green and we head back home. Damn I look fine. I make my way into the house and I'm welcomed by my mother's big bump. She's three months pregnant but you'd swear she's six. "Mamzo." I greet. She looks at me like an intruder with her mouth slightly opened and I grab the apple beside her and munch on it.

"Is this shrink actually helping because you are getting worse by the day." She says holding her waist. I shrug my shoulders seated on the bar stool. Her eyebrows rose in question. "Mom I just like the colour." I defend. "Kodwa mntanam couldn't you dye it blonde atleast?" She says in defeat. If only she knew I got a tatoo too, I wouldn't hear the end of it. Thato comes running down the stairs and he laughs when he notices my hairstyle.

"Now you look like Zed from zombies." He teased. "For your gender you talk way too much." I say taking another bite of my apple. He rolls his eyes heading outside. My mom raises her hands in surrender heading to the kitchen. "Oh I forgot, one handsome boy came and brought these for you." She says handing me flowers blushing. I look at them blankly. "Wrong house." I say heading upstairs. "OH COME ON!" She exclaims. Hai mna I don't want to traumatize any other guy please. The state my room is in makes my skin crawl. You'd swear a human being doesn't stay here. This tatoo is excruciating and I somehow haven't cried? Proud of you Lisa.

I decide to open my windows and clean this pigsty of a room. When I'm finally done I throw myself on my bed and grab my phone. Scrolling on messages. Somehow I am still in the Khuzwayo group chat and they love checking up on me. I'm grateful. Joylin and I have a date next week and I can't wait. She's actually cool to talk to. I exit whatsapp and tap the gallery button scrolling on pictures. Pictures of Kholwani and I involuntarily causes me to smile. If I was not in the condition I am in, I would have begged for him to come back. Sigh.

In wait for sleep to consume me and my mom chose violence budging into my room. "Finally!" She says looking around my room. I inwardly roll my eyes. "Come and eat Lisa, food is ready." "Mom I really am not hungry." I say truthfully. "Uyawonda mntanam, please come and eat." She pleads. "Okay ngiyeza." I wait for her to shut the door so I can lock it but she is standing there looking like a bodyguard. "I'm not falling for it this time." She says folding her arms. I release a frustrating sigh and get up. She intertwines our hands and we walk down the stairs ever so slowly because of her condition. Good exercise. LOL.