Finding You

Chapter 18

April 2020

Sliding into my favorite dark teal leggings, I pause, looking at the girl staring back at me in the mirror on the back of my closet door. The bruise on my neck that took the shape of a large hand was gone by now. Although sometimes it felt like it was still there. Holding a grip so tight I would never be able to pry it from my body. Jolting back, I shook away the thought of that hand around my neck and peered out the window. I could tell the weather was beautiful outside, almost at sunset. I think I'll go for a hike down to the lake. I immediately grab my phone to text Sebastian to see if he would want to go with me, but I stop as soon as I open his messages thread.

I think I'll go alone this time.

—

Cool, refreshing spring air climbs up my arms and onto my face. The burnt yellow sky with hints of pink blush stretches across behind the mountains, clouds floating over them. The sun tired, ready to be put away for the night, hides behind a few clouds but with part of it still peeking out behind them, still hanging on for as long as it can. For a long time, I've felt the same as the sun. I felt like I have had to hold on for as long as I can with as much strength as I can gather. Afraid of my solitude. Afraid of my own thoughts. But somehow I've found a way to reach the top of this mountain that has lived inside my head. I don't know when it first happened, but I'm not scared of being alone anymore. Or at least I'm not right now.

I feel this weight inside me begging to be lifted. And before I know it. My knees fall to the ground. Tears streaming from my eyes, full of pain and hurt and misery. Tears that needed to be let go, set free. All of this fear and agony and sadness spills out of me. Sob after sob explode out of me as my hands reach to my face and linger through my hair.

Breathe, just breathe.

Long awaited liberating air fills my lungs as I try to control my sobs. Lifting my head up, I tilt it back and let the breeze brush through my hair, and I realize I feel just as free as this wind. Free to roam where I want to, without the fear of where I'll end up at. Free from the thoughts and feelings that shackled me in. Closing my eyes, I think about the last three years. I felt contained, restricted, and trapped. I felt like I was engulfed by this storm of sadness that I could never find a way out. Swimming and swimming tirelessly without ever reaching the surface. But I've finally reached the surface, full of air.

Opening my eyes, I see the sun has slipped even further down, only just barely peaking out behind the mountains. While the sun was put away for the night, it will come back out tomorrow.

There will always be a tomorrow, sometimes we feel like the pain we go through will last forever, but it won't.