Finding You

Chapter 26

Christmas Eve 2020

"It's not too late to change your mind. We don't have to go, I don't even really want to be there myself," Sebastian says as I fix his tie that lays overtop his dark emerald green dress shirt paired with dark charcoal grey pants. His warm woodsy scent fills my senses, distracting me for a few seconds. I'm wearing a deep midnight blue velvet dress, it's fitted down to just above my knees, with long sleeves that stretch down to my wrists. While everyone else is out of town for the holidays, Sebastian and I are supposed to have dinner with his parents in an hour. I've never met them, and from what he's told me, his parents especially his mother has completely changed since losing his brother. Understandably so, I can't imagine losing a child. Originally Sebastian and I were supposed to have dinner at the apartment, but his mother pressured him into coming home. Sebastian's hands are fidgety, like little kids who can't stay still no matter what you do. They play through his hair, with his tie, the buttons on the ends of his shirt sleeves, and back to his hair.

Catching his hands before they mess with the tie again, I hold them in mine and say, "It's okay. If we go, and it's horrible then we'll leave. Promise."

He lets out a nervous yet relieved sigh and nods.

—

Stepping up to the front door of an off white brick house, with a front porch doused in Christmas lights. Colorful lights wrap around the railings and make their way up the columns on either side of the porch. Sebastian knocks on the door, and seconds later it opens to a blonde woman about the same height as me, in a fitted red dress and black heels. Without any word from her yet, coldness spills off of her. She quickly says hello to Sebastian and then turns to walk down the hallway. Sebastian looks at me and then gestures for us to go inside.

"Mom, this is Luna."

She stops where she's at, turns her head over her shoulder without looking at me and says, "Nice of you to come for dinner." Sebastian gives me a look that says 'I'm sorry but I told you so' as we walk into the dining room to sit for dinner. His father already seated at the head of the table, quiet, but not in the cold way his mother was.

Dinner was mostly silent, with the occasional questions from Sebastian's mother to his father about work, things that need to be done, and more. After a question from his father about plans after school, Sebastian and his mother quickly start going back and forth. About his major and what he wants to do after graduation, and it makes me sit on the edge of my seat full of nerves and annoyance.

"Sebastian, why would you waste your life and go to New York to work for a half-ass company when you could work for your father and make more money right away? After all we've paid for your schooling, the least you could do is consider us instead of only thinking of yourself like always."

"Mom. We've been over this, you don't know anything about the place I want to work at, much less the work I do at all because you never care to ask," I can sense Sebastian's irritation growing by the second. "And by the way in case you haven't noticed, there's another human being sitting across from me that you haven't said hardly two words to all night."

His mother's anger fumes. She snaps back, "And why would I? You brought her here unannounced. For all I know she's the one who convinced you to go to New York. You didn't think about either of us when bringing her here, just as you typically do, only thinking for yourself. Just like you did with Clay. If it weren't for you he would still be alive. And yet here you are, running around with some girl who probably has no intentions for anyone other than herself. At least you chose one who's just like yourself."

She stands up out of her chair, back straight as a board, flattens out her perfectly unwrinkled dress and walks off into the kitchen. Sebastian's head falls into his hands, and his father gets up to walk off into the opposite direction of the house his wife went to. Taking in a deep breathe and letting my irritation and annoyance cool off for a second, I relax and head into the kitchen.

She stands at the large island, pouring a glass of white wine. I try to stay as calmly as possible, and anger will only make things worse.

"I am so deeply sorry about the loss of Clay. I've seen it eat at Sebastian, tearing him apart, and I'm sure it's done the same to you. A mother should never have to go through something awful like that."

"What do you think you're doing by coming into my house, telling me you're sorry? Scoring points with him, or me? The only thing you should be sorry for is standing by that boy. He's the reason my son is dead. Selfish, idiotic child is who he is, he's not my son anymore after tonight. If you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from him too."

The coldness in her voice was almost insulting. Appalled, and absolutely floored by the words she just spoke. I don't know how her grief turned into hate for her child.

"Do you not see how special your son is? He's out here, after all he's been through, pushing himself for the dreams he has. His soul is sweet, and kind and loving. But you don't see any of that, and for that I'm sorry. But what happened to Clay," I pause, as she lifted a hand to try to interject, but I kept going. "Was not Sebastian's fault. He has blamed and hated himself for so long for what happened, he told me once that he wished it was him who died instead of Clay," with that my eyes swell and bottom lip shakes as tears slide down my face.

"But he has finally learned to live with himself, learned to forgive himself for something that was not in his control. I wish that you could learn to love him again, but he does not deserve any of this."

The anger fuming from her does not stop. She turns her eyes away from me, looking straight ahead as she says with anything except love, "He was right. It should have been him."

My mouth drops in a silent gasp, wanting to say so much more, but I know it will only do more damage. Turning on my heels, I walk towards the kitchen entryway to leave. Although I stop mid step. Turning my head over my shoulder, I say, "I know what's good for me. And that's standing by him."

Leaving the kitchen, I catch Sebastian out of the corner of my eye to my right. He's standing there, reddish pink and swollen eyes with his back against the wall that shares with the kitchen. He heard every word.

"Hey, hey look at me," I say, placing my hands on his face, "It's not true." He nods.

"Come on, I'm keeping my promise, let's go."

—

The car ride back to campus was mostly quiet. As we pull into the parking lot for my apartment and park, I pause before getting out. Turning to Sebastian I say, "I'm sorry. I know it doesn't really do much, but I'm here if you want to talk."

He breathes in heavily, and then out. "It does, and believe me, I know you are." The light in his eyes come back.

Leaning in my lips meet his cheek, "Goodnight, Sebastian."

"Goodnight, Loo."