Finding You

Chapter 6

December 2018

"I'll be back Sunday afternoon, don't have too much fun without me," Delia tells me as her red hair passes through our door with a light blue duffel bag, on her way home to visit Kaia this weekend. I dread spending the whole weekend alone. Henry went on a weekend trip with Jonah, thinking of how happy the four of them make a small smile appear on my face. They all deserve so much love and seeing them have it always makes me happy.

Flopping back on my bed, as I stare up at the ceiling I don't realize how much time passes while I lay there. When Delia left, the sun was still out and bright but now I realize the room has gotten darker. I look over to our window and see the sun is almost completely gone. Dark clouds push out the pinks and oranges from the sky along with the sun, bringing in the dark night sky soon to be full with tiny glittering specks throughout it.

All of a sudden a rumbling sound fills the quiet room, my stomach begging and telling me that I haven't eaten dinner. Out of nowhere, nerves prick my body all over. Creeping up on me when I least expect it and remind me that I'll have to spend the weekend alone, where I fear the most. Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore.

—

Restless, turning over and over in bed with nothing but the draining feelings of mellow emptiness that flow from my head and cover my entire body. Why must I feel this way? Why can't I get myself under control and be okay? I don't understand. I don't understand myself. Checking the time on my alarm clock, I see it's almost three in the morning. I just want to scream.

Getting up and out of bed, my oversized t-shirt drapes down to the middle of my thigh, and I head towards the only distraction that I know will work. The light from our mini-fridge pours out into my dark room as I open it, reaching in for the bottle of the half-drunken fireball that Henry got for us a while back at Delia's birthday party. Looking at it, I hesitate. I know this isn't the right way. But I feel like it's the only way. I turn my phone over and open up Spotify, clicking on my party playlist that the four of us put together last year, and hit shuffle. Pour It Up by Rihanna starts playing, spinning the top off of the fireball I bring it up to meet my lips and take in the cinnamon burn that slides down my throat. Over and over until my feet start stumbling a little too much. As I'm dancing alone, drunk in my dorm room at three something in the morning it hits me, that these feelings aren't going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. I don't feel better, I don't feel any different than I did an hour ago. I just want this to stop.

Reaching for my desk, I grab my scissors from the pencil holder and walk into the bathroom. Maybe if I change something I'll feel different, I'll feel something. Looking in the mirror I see puffy pink circles around my swollen eyes. I don't recognize myself, I see someone who looks like me, but I don't know who that person is anymore. I just want to escape this person that inhabits my body.

Pulling the scissors up to my shoulders, I snip them around my hair, long dark blonde strands pooling on the white tiled bathroom floor around my feet. I snip and I snip until my hair sits just above my shoulders.

I force a smile on my face as one last tear slides down my cheek.