nyctophilia | dreamwastaken

don't leave, please

SUNDAY:

9:40 pm...

I feel like I'm on fire. Literally. Or maybe I feel like I just trekked across Antarctica. Either way, what I'm saying is, I feel hot and cold. Hot because I'm burying myself in blankets and pillows to try and calm down the nerves in my stomach and cold because I'm nervous. I bite at my gum, a habit that I do frequently.

Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and I'd see his face again. Twenty minutes and our world could just go disastrously. Twenty minutes from another nervous breakdown. An hour ago, I realized what was coming and I sobbed in the shower like a cliche teen movie scene. Thirty minutes ago, I raided the cabinets and made stress cookies, which turned out to be not that bad.

Ten minutes ago, I started suffocating myself, hoping that it'd make me stop moving around. Five minutes ago, I started to break out in a nervous sweat. And a minute ago, I was deciding whether or not if I should shower, since I stink of sweat. I bury my face into a pillow, my ears tuning out the sound of my show. 

I stare at the tv before sighing and forcing all four blankets off of me and pushing off the throw pillows on my lap. I hurry upstairs, throwing open my closet and looking through the clothes. I grab black sweatpants and a band t-shirt before heading into the bathroom. I shower quickly before I change, the smell of my shampoo filling the bathroom.

I grab my blow-dryer and blow-dry my hair, which takes a bit. As soon as my hair isn't as wet, I put it away, checking the time nervously. My eyes widen. 9:58 pm. Shit, I only have two minutes? I let out a muffled scream into my towel before forcing myself to remain calm. Only two minutes, I can do this. I head into my room and quickly apply mascara and a bit of highlighter. 

I head back to the living room, cringing at the mess. I stuff the blankets into a closet quickly, leaning against the closed door when I finish. I close my eyes, my heart thundering inside my chest. For just a moment, I can breathe. For just a moment, I can feel my heart slowing down, the silence soothing it. 

But it doesn't last long, because a quiet knock comes from the door. I jolt as if I was caught doing something terrible, and I check the time. 10:02 pm. Scratch that, I had four minutes. I feel my stomach knot into an untwistable knot, my nerves going crazy. I realize that my heartbeat sounds like an echoing thud, each heartbeat getting faster than the last one.

I watch as my hand shakily rests on the doorknob. I open it, and I brace myself. The first thing I see is worn-out converses, dirt scuffed on the front. The second thing I see is black sweatpants, and the third thing I see is a white graphic shirt, a silver necklace, and a gray flannel. I swallow. Someone help me.

I force myself to look up, to look at the eyes that looked at me like I was the best person to ever exist. Except for tonight, those eyes aren't there. Green eyes stare at me, guilt and regret filled inside. Dream shifts and I clear my throat. "Come in," I say in what I hope sounds like a sturdy voice. I open the door wider and he shuffles inside, his smell filling my nose.

I shut the door and put on a fake smile, my muscles straining against me. "Do you need something to drink?" I ask and he shakes his head, staring at his feet. "What about something to eat? I made some cookies earlier and-." Dream cuts me off by coming closer to me, his close presence enough to make me shut up.

"I'm not here to raid your pantry, okay? I'm here to talk like you suggested." He firmly states and I'm completely speechless, unable to say a single word. He steps back and it's almost like an invisible hand wrapped around my throat releases and I cough, finally being able to say something. "Sorry, right... We'll talk."

I straighten myself and force my eyes to meet Dream's for just a few seconds before I have to look away again. "So..." He starts and I clear my throat. "Just for clarification, we both enjoyed last night, right? Like, there wasn't anything weird... you know, at the moment?" I stammer and Dream has the audacity to raise one eyebrow. I pause and he shakes his head, a sad smile on his face. "Yes, we both did... well, as far as I can tell, I did." He softly mutters and I feel something lifted off my shoulders, just for a bit.