nyctophilia | dreamwastaken

ur cute jeans

2 WEEKS, 4 DAYS LATER...

WEDNESDAY:

Our deal didn't go to plan. Obviously, we didn't do anything weird like kiss each other until we come into our pants or plan dates for each other. No, we ignored each other for a long time. After the fair, we all went our ways. Wilbur returned to England and Dream started to focus intently on his work.

Niki did the same as well, and I figured that if everyone were being productive, then I would be too. Elias started to hang out with a girl every few nights, and I started to work more shifts. Our boss was starting to be happier with our business and I will admit that our sales started to increase after Wilbur's vlog and my shift increases.

 Though a few times, I would get told off by a Karen or a crazy Wilbur stan who claimed that I was just using him and Niki for clout. I pretended I didn't hear them, which made them angrier. Once, Elias told me that I was a workaholic and I told him that he was a bitchaholic. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

I would say that I'm damaging more relationships than I am mending, but I don't care. Elias is pussy whipped with his girlfriend- or toy? I honestly don't know anymore- and Niki and Dream are working harder with new plans coming up. I don't blame them, since it's hard to be a streamer. I can't even last in a single stream without feeling like I got hit with more force than a bus.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder more than I should about our deal, between Dream and me. He barely texts me, and I have too much pride to start a conversation first. Sometimes I would sit in a voice call with him and watch him stream. Of course, none of the fans know since I don't want to be painted as a Callahan wannabe. I mean, no offense to him.

It just feels... off. It almost feels as if our deal wasn't a big deal to him, as if he does this all the time. For me, it feels like a ton of weight got lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe. I didn't have to go through a day with his name imprinted into my brain. It still is imprinted, but with his lack of contact with me, it's starting to fade.

I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. It's a dumb thought but, I can't help myself. Does he know how much this deal means to me? That if he ever makes a move to change it or alter it in some way, I'll be back to who I was? 

I've also stopped dreaming about Thea, for some odd reason. It was like she intruded on my thoughts for a quick moment before popping out. She claimed in my first dream that I had with her that she wanted to make things right or something. But all I get are these flashbacks where she was kind to me.

Whenever I'm alone, something always nags at me, something that I can't quite pinpoint on. It's like a dreadful feeling or a worried feeling. Sometimes I think it's about Dream, but other times I don't know who it's appointed to anymore. I would just lay in bed and try not to feel like I'm back at school, where everyone's opinions and feelings matter to me.

I'm ashamed to admit that privately, something grows inside of me when Dream talks to me. It's not anger, or guilt anymore, it's more of... excitement? Whenever we talk and share words, I willingly talk to him. I could turn him down or act like a complete douche to him whenever we talk, but I don't. That's progress, right?

I can't quite explain how I feel about Dream. Sure, he's attractive and his personality makes me feel giddy but I don't know if my feelings are romantic or platonic. I can't envision myself with him in the future, but I also can't imagine myself watching as he gets married or watching as he raises his first kid with his wife, or husband, I'm not one to judge.

These thoughts make my head run constantly, and sometimes I would just blank out, completely forgetting what I'm doing. I haven't been able to see Dream in two weeks, which doesn't seem long, but with our deal still being fresh, it seems as if we didn't even agree on it in the first place.