For Keeps

13. Wall of Jell-O.

{Kurt}

Kurt was up before Jon, showered and riffling through his closet for his Sunday shirt while Jon still made a lump in the blankets under their tent. Pulling on his black Johnny Cash Tshirt, Kurt tousled his hair back into an artful mess and then gave Jon's foot a shake.

"White, you sleeping through church today? We're leaving in 10."

Jon's foot withdrew. "I'm up," he said softly from the tent. After a moment, he asked, "What day is it?"

Kurt peeked around the tent wall, his mouth quirked with amusement. "Sunday."

Jon dug his knuckles into his eyes. He was not up, still undressed and horizontal on their pillows. "Day of the month."

"Uh," Kurt checked his phone. "December 6th."

Jon exhaled. "Great," he said flatly. He sat up like his limbs were heavy and pulled himself to his feet using the side of the tent, shuffling into the room. "I'm so here for it."

Kurt watched him pick up his clothes from yesterday off the floor and start to put them back on. His partner looked so tired and grim that he decided not to comment, just went downstairs to start the coffee.

He waited until Jon had half his mug and all his gluten free toast and peanut butter in him before taking a seat at the table next to his bowed body.

"Hey love?"

Jon slid him a guarded look.

"You wanna tell me what's going on with you today? Or am I gonna need to ask Cary?"

"I'm tired and I slept like shit and Judah went to the hospital today," Jon said flatly. "For the last time." He turned his face aside, shrugging his shoulders up to make himself smaller.

Kurt made a soft noise, touching Jon's arm. "Do you want to talk about that?" he asked uncertainly.

Jon shook his head. He drained his coffee and got to his feet. "Let's do this. December 6th. Bring it on; The living have to live."

Kurt pressed his hands against his chest, feeling like all the things Jon wasn't feeling about that had spilled over into him.

{Jon}

Every year, stepping into this week of December felt like hitting a wall of Jell-O. Even when Jon didn't pay attention to the date, when he had no reminders in his calendar of what had happened, his body somehow kept time. The weight of Judah's passing settled on his limbs and chest, slowing him to a crawl. It was a week when he crept along the ledge in the dark and kept his shit to himself because he didn't trust himself to notice if he was being an asshole. The less said this week, the better. For years he and Cary had a rhythm for these days in December: Cary put food in the fridge and gave him a mile of space and Jon was eternally grateful for both.

Jon had no idea how to do this week with his beautiful, feely partner in close range. As they drove to church, Kurt's mirror ball swung from the rear view mirror of his car, jangling softly with a collection of beaded necklaces. Kurt had put on growly rock for the drive and was beating his hands on the wheel in time, softly singing the lyrics he knew.

Jon glanced at Kurt's bare face; the other man's expression was peaceful and glad in the slanting winter sunlight. Jon's feelings felt like one muddy shade of angry and heavy, but this year there was another distinct color, how upset he was for Kurt. It was obvious that his partner was as happy as he'd ever been and Jon felt like garbage that he going to drag Kurt through this week with him.

He might be short on words and feelings right now, but he could still count on his tired body to do the things. He touched Kurt's arm without looking, finding his hand to hold it. The other man drew his hand against his chest so Jon could feel him humming through his palm. In that moment, Jon made up his mind; he wasn't dragging Kurt through this week with him. As far as he was able, he was keeping his partner in the dark about the dark.