For Keeps

3. A hundred little ways.

{Jon}

When Jon arrived at his work house, he found Naomi in the kitchen stirring a pot of chill, a gospel music special playing on the television. Naomi beamed broadly at him as he wiped his boots and took them off. "Jon, I have your chill and cornbread all ready here for supper. Patrick took the children to the sledding hill to enjoy the fresh snow."

"Thank you, Naomi," Jon said. "You're a gem. I'll be in the office if you need me; I'm guessing everyone wants to know when their Christmas holidays are happening."

He slipped on the purple and gold sneakers Kurt had picked out for him. He never paid much attention to his clothing before Kurt Visser became his boyfriend; now he felt a little hum of happiness whenever he was wearing something he knew would make Kurt's eyes light up.

As he opened his personal calendar and the website portal where he entered the staff schedules, Jon braced himself to look directly at December once again. Even though he'd pestered people by email and text to get their holiday requests in by Friday, there were two new requests in his email inbox; not technically too late but so close to the deadline it was going to take some serious shuffling to accommodate them.

Noting December 10th was a Wednesday, Jon's thoughts slowed. He was working that evening; maybe they could skip White family cry day this year. Or his parents could have Judah's party without him.

He pressed his lips together, sitting up straight and stretching his neck from side to side. There were really so few things his parents asked of him; this party was the most important day of the year for them. The girls and Cary didn't know Judah--Jon was the only person Pete and Mel had to share these stories with. In the course of their regular lives they didn't talk much about Judah--more than they used to, but they were too busy with their living children to speak of the dead. This one day was set aside to honour the love they still carried for their oldest son and grieve the days with them that Judah had missed this year.

Jon opened a text to his dad: <I work the 10th what day do you want to have Judah's party? I have Fri and Sat off>

He guessed his dad would say Saturday, and thumbed a new date into his calendar on his phone, colouring the square all grey. Days later, a second grey square was marked on his calendar, and he double checked that he'd scheduled someone to cover his shift. On Judah's birthday Jon was there for the people he loved to look after them and make all the words they needed. On Judah's death-day, Jon went somewhere he could be by himself and not make any words for anyone.

Scanning his upcoming school and work schedule made Jon feel hollow, like he was cutting his weight for a tournament--something he had only attempted once before concluding he would rather face a larger opponent fully fed and strong, than fight someone smaller while light-headed with hunger. These family commitments fell smack in the middle of his last weeks of classes; he had to push through and he wasn't sure where he was going to find the reserves to carry everything and finish.

His dad's text dropped into his phone: <Saturday. Please let Kurt know he's more than welcome *red heart*>

A smile ghosted over Jon's lips. All the tears--his boyfriend was going to fit right in with this party. He felt completely inadequate in these moments with his parents; Pete and Mel entered into their feelings so easily compared to him, and after they cried together they seemed refreshed and uplifted and bonded more closely than ever. Jon usually left the evening feeling like he was missing an appendage--like everyone in his family, including Cary, had the human ability to cry and he was defective, dry eyed and aching as he collected the supper dishes to at least do that much for them.

He swiped his calendar closed and the picture on the backdrop of his phone made his stomach relax a little: Kurt had his arm slung over Jon's chest, his cheek against Jon's temple, their eyes narrowed in the light of the setting sun, the red dunes of the Alberta badlands behind them. Jon's lock screen was just the rippling shapes of the dunes; a photo he had taken on this hike together. Over the past month they'd explored quite a bit of the province, within a one or two hour drive from their city.