For Keeps

36. What you prefer.

*For my lovely under-14-year-old readers: some grown up thoughts and conversations about gay sex ahead.*

{Kurt}

Kurt could tell from Jon's quick movements, as his partner chose a mug and tea bag, that Jon was happy and didn't share his nerves about this conversation. That put some heart into Kurt and he tucked his hair behind his ears, taking a breath to just open himself and hope for the best.

"Honestly, love, I've been super nervous to have this conversation with you," Kurt said.

Jon blinked, his body going still while he read him. "Why are you nervous? You've—" Jon put out a hand, then hesitated. "You've done this before."

Kurt was grateful he didn't add, more than a hundred times. Clearing his throat, Kurt shook his head once. "I've never done this before. I mean...I've said this already. You're in a different category than anyone I've been with before now. I'm hoping we wake up together tomorrow and the next day and the next forever and our whole..." He gestured over Jon's body and the kitchen. "...the whole thing matters so much more to me. I don't want to fuck it up." He took a breath, watching Jon.

Jon's mouth curved in a wry smile. "Then we're the same. I've never done any of this and we both know it." Jon tucked the tag of his tea bag around the handle of his mug, and Kurt lifted the kettle off the heat to pour in the water for him. "If we fuck it up, we'll just come back and try again, right?" Jon said softly.

That steadied Kurt a little. "Sure. Let's go with that," he said. He poured himself a cup of tea because it gave him something warm to hug with his cold fingers and reminded him of Grandma Visser.

At the table, Jon clasped his arm briefly, a warm squeeze. "I trust you, Kurt--say what you need to say. I'm just with you for whatever."

Kurt rubbed his face. God, here I go. "Okay. Stop me if you—"Feel like you want to punch something. "—if you need a think break, okay?"

Jon tucked his chin in a nod, watching him with a worried expression.

Kurt straightened, crossing his arms over his chest. The thing about his past hook ups was at least he'd had a baseline and a common language based on whatever they put out there on their profiles. Both parties kind of knew what they were getting into. He missed that here.

"Um, did you do any homework on this?" Kurt asked. "If I use the words top or bottom, dominant or submissive, would you know what I'm talking about?"

Jon's face pinked. "Yes." He laughed under his breath. "Very careful homework. On my home computer. I know what you're saying."

Kurt relaxed a little; that put him in more familiar territory. "So--in general," he said cautiously, "I don't love to top dudes. I just find it...a lot of pressure to perform and it doesn't feel like me." He rubbed his ear, grimacing. "If that's what you're asking--for me to top you--then, um, that wouldn't be my first choice."

Jon cupped his tea between his hands, watching Kurt's face intently. His eyebrows were up and interested, like he was hearing a new thing.

Kurt rolled his shoulders back. "Obviously, you're not a one-time hook up and I can think of ways to make that work. You're stretchy and in good shape and we would go super slow. But, um, I'm worried a bit. About your first time bein' on the bottom when I'm bigger than you. That's just...not something you jump into without some prep ahead. And I never in my life want you doin' something with me that doesn't feel good to you." He took a big breath. "So that's my thoughts on that, so far."

Jon tipped his head. "So what would be your preference?" he asked. "If we were just... hooking up, and I found you on an app or whatever."

Kurt was touched that Jon would ask. It was the most basic piece of information about him that every other partner he'd enjoyed knew already. He flashed Jon a laughing look, catching that spark of humour reflecting in Jon's eyes.