For Keeps

46. Want to be heard.

{Kurt}

Kurt had no idea what time it was Sunday morning when he gradually became aware of the bed rocking with shakes. He made a sleepy noise of protest and the bed stilled. "Sorry." Jon's voice came out of the dark.

Kurt burrowed into his pillows to go back to sleep, but not a minute later the jiggling started again. "Whad-the-fug is goin' on," Kurt mumbled. "Why're you wigglin' over there, White?"

There was a pause. "Can't sleep," Jon said softly. "Thinking. Sorry. My legs get restless when I'm--worried."

The tight undercurrent in Jon's voice pulled Kurt to more alertness. He rolled over, fumbling in the dark for a familiar part of Jon's body, patting his stubbly chest. He felt Jon take a slow breath, pressing Kurt's hand against his skin.

"Well now I can't sleep," Kurt drawled. "What're we lying awake thinkin' about?"

"The right way to resign." The bed started to jiggle quietly again. "I think I should give my letter to Terry tomorrow, actually. It's two weeks to our budget year-end. I have holiday time we were going to roll over to next year but I can just take it--as part of my two weeks notice. And not go back. I think that's what I should do."

Kurt put his cheek against Jon's shoulder, eyes open in the dark. So quick. Jon had clearly thought a lot about this already. "What are you worryin' about?" he asked low.

"How much to say?" Jon's voice wobbled a tiny bit before he steadied it. "I think--um. I'm not putting in writing why I'm resigning. The official letter should just say--the dates that I'm done. But I want to give it to Terry personally and tell him face to face--I'm gay."

Kurt started up, slapping on the light. Jon blinked up at him, his eyes still black with pupil. "Why the hell would you do that?" Kurt asked, appalled.

"Because it's the full truth," Jon said. "And Terry needs a better picture of what 'gay' means."

"Terry needs to educate himself, Jon," Kurt said sharply. He rubbed his hands through his hair, remembering his partner punched down so small under the coats in their back entryway, crying without making a sound. He had zero faith Terry wouldn't just do that again. "You don't owe him anything. You just open yourself up for him say a dozen shitty things to your face again."

Jon sat up, criss-crossing his legs and clasping his hands in a tight ball in his lap. "I don't make decisions based on whether I'm scared of getting hurt or not," he said.

"I mean, clearly," Kurt said more quietly.

Jon shot him a glance, his mouth tight and unhappy.

Kurt exhaled, slowing down. This felt obvious to him, but Jon wasn't seeing it. "Walk me through this, White," he said. "You hand Terry your letter. You say--"

"I'm getting married to the man that I love and I can't work here anymore," Jon filled in, his voice low.

A corner of Kurt's mouth pulled up, touched by the way Jon put that. "Then what're you hoping will happen? That Terry will cross out a line on that fucking lifestyle thing and let you stay?"

Jon's bare back was a bowed curve as he shook his head once. "Terry can't do that, even if he wanted to." Jon rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Kurt once. "I just want to be heard." His voice trembled. "That this is who I am and being gay changes nothing about the work I've done."

Kurt shoved his hand against his own heart, seeing Nicky's sneering face as Kurt spoke his truth. "Is he going to hear you though?" Kurt asked.

"There's a chance?" Jon said. "Terry's moved a bit with the way he treats Jordin. He's been...nothing but positive about my performance up to now." Jon's knee was bobbing. "Best case scenario: our work policy doesn't change, but Terry does."