For Keeps

35. So done.

{Kurt}

Kurt's old nightmare had morphed over the past months; it was very simple now. Just a ring on their kitchen table and darkness falling on an empty, echoing house.

Starting awake, Kurt reached out on instinct; Jon's side of the bed was empty. He made a small noise and rolled out of bed to find Jon and just check. Just check that he was still here, and still wanted to be with him.

There was a light on in the kitchen, music playing tinnily out of Jon's laptop. Jon was standing at the counter, legs spread, scrolling through his notes with an intent expression on his face. His lips moved, silently reciting terms and definitions to himself.

Kurt sniffed, wiping his nose on his arm, and Jon glanced his way, eyes widening with surprise, then softening with worry. "Hey love," Jon said. "Up already?"

Kurt took a big breath, the sound of Jon's voice anchoring him in what was real. He shook his head. "Just checking you still exist," he said hoarsely.

Jon caught him before he could turn aside, wrapping him in a gentle hug. "I do exist," Jon said softly. "And I'm finishing school today to be with you." Sighing, Kurt laid his cheek on Jon's hair.

Kurt felt more steady as crawled back under the covers in Jon's bed to try and catch a few more 'zzz's before he had to head out to a job with Douglas. His stomach was too worried to sleep. The ring on his hand was so new; it was too easy for him to imagine Jon changing his mind and just handing it back.

Putting together Jon's drag queen look had been a welcome distraction from the other, more serious, conversation Kurt was aware he needed to have with his partner. He laid awake, hugging his arms against himself and fretting.

Up until now there was little in their physical relationship they had had to talk about. Kurt loved Jon's playful innocence in their bedroom. Jon never wanted to hurt him a little bit for fun or try something that seemed steamy in the moment but left him feeling degraded afterwards. There was a whole category of shit that never even crossed Jon's mind to suggest and Kurt had zero interest in filling out his sex education with that particular course.

God, he felt so clean and treasured when Jon had his hands on him.

Kurt didn't want to wreck it. Yeah, taking the next step might feel amazing and be a deep moment of intimacy for them both. For a few minutes, Kurt's mind wandered past the troubling conversation ahead to where they could end up; the idea of being vulnerable with Jon in that way was so completely appealing that he lost track of his thoughts—other parts of his body were asking for more dedicated attention.

But the reality was they were going to have to talk about Kurt's sexual history before they got there. He didn't know what he knew from the internet; in the absence of anyone who knew or supported teen-aged Kurt's sexuality, he'd had to put together his own sex education live and in-person. It had been a messy process and Kurt regretted some of it, but he had learned from all of it.

He didn't want to turn Jon off, or worse, touch off Jon's temper. They hadn't brought up Kurt's hook ups since their first date in Red Deer. Kurt's memory of that conversation was that they'd barely avoided a major fight; Jon had held his tongue on half the things he looked to have on his mind and Kurt was afraid he was going to set off part two of that conflict trying to talk Jon through this.

Humming uneasily, Kurt rubbed his hands over his face, feeling the unfamiliar scruff of a couple days beard he was letting come in to see if he liked it.

He was pretty sure Jon had put his request out there just counting on Kurt to look after him. Kurt took that responsibility so fucking seriously, God knew. All of Jon's experience with sex was going to be with him. He was determined that Jon would never be hurt or uncomfortable or ashamed of his body when they were together--if it was up to him, and it pretty much was, Jon would have all the joy of good sex he'd ever had, and none of the painful mistakes.