suicidal but a meme idol

What i want right now.

It's Tuesday. A measly Tuesday. It's currently 15:04pm and i want one thing. i have tried to quench my yearning through various avenues, but it's not enough. i want more. i want something authentic. i want to feel an authentic touch rather than one that vibrates rubber. i want to feel hands on my cheeks rather than the cool breeze of the fan flushing my skin. i want him. i only want him. i nearly crossed a line the other night. a dark part of me took over in the form of bundaberg rum and suppressed desire. i was with a girl, dancing with her the way i want to dance with him. her hands were on my body and mine on hers. i was prentending the girl was me and i was him. holding her the way i wanted him to hold me. i did it to a couple of girls. i wanted to do things to them that i wish he would do to me. i scream for his touch, but i get nothing. i scream for his attention and i get nothing. i want him close. i want his body on mine. in the moment. i want to be dancing on him. i want to be in a club lost in the feeling of him. i want the music to be loud and the lights dark as i feel him hold my hips and i swing my hips around him. i have never wanted anything more. his hands on my body guiding my movement. he's my everything and he's all i want. i want to feel his breath on my neck as he trail it up the side of my shoulder and ear. i want his body to close the gaps between us so that there is no space. 

i love him and i want to show him my love. he says he loves me, but it doesn't show.