suicidal but a meme idol

windowsills thoughts p/1

            

I'm sitting on my bed, gazing out my window listening to Dean Lewis' Waves the acoustic version. Watching the sky be rolled by heavy grey clouds that'll soon cry. As the sun drowns in the overcast of the stratosphere, it just makes me think of moments of magic and wonder in the most dullest moments. Reminiscing on the feelings where everything as ok. I sit at my windowsill, covered in drawing pens, favourite movies and tv shows with music albums toppling over the top. I sit there, with my computer in my lap, gazing as the clouds steal the last glimpse of light that seeps through the overflowing canopy of clouds. I sit here, recollecting all the times I've found light in the dimmest of days, where I've found tranquillity and hope through an onslaught of darkness and madness. It makes me think, how did I find this peace? Do I find peace in the middle of a maelstrom of a storm that is brewing into a barraging tempest? I smile at that thought, as it's a contradicting feeling and notion to situations. I guess, in this case I don't get surprised when people do horrendous things anymore, as I too have done that. I feel there is no need for judgement or bewilderment when things turn pear shape, I just sigh, shrug my shoulder and look out the window. Pondering on how my perspective on life has drastically shaped who I am today, who I've become. When I look out that window, sometimes I cry as when memories of all my regrets and mistakes rush to my eyes giving me a flash back, it creates a ripple effect of cascading feelings dripping down my body. I sit there sometimes, cooped up in a ball not knowing what to do with myself. I think, do I shut this off? Do I give in? or do I live? I look out my window, and that is where most of my thoughts occur. With sad, emo music playing behind my thoughts, driving the primary emotion and topic that will be thought of within the lyrics. I look out my window, my contradictory window and reflect on life and death and mediate my own opinion on it. I look at my window and realise that it's the one thing that keeps me thinking about how humanity has evolved. I look at my window, waiting for the sun to beam through the clouds as a signal that even when hope is blinded by fear and doubt, it will still shine through.