suicidal but a meme idol

window sill thoughts p/3

I can't breathe. I just want to die. I've always had somewhat of a leash on my suicidal thoughts. I've always had them, but never fully acted on them until the tension of the rope on the rabid dog breaks. This time is different. Every episode is. The voices in my head are getting louder, more uncontrollable and I don't know what to do. I try to tame it, but it never works. I try to understand it, yet it's persistent to abuse me. It hurts. It has activated the worst traits in me. Jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, selfishness, entitlement, pride, rudeness and worse of all impatience. All these traits combined have created the infinity gauntlet of my impending doom. Forcing my anxiety to act up which allows flash backs to creep back into the frame of my mind. Then the different supercilious voices of my life berate me until I can barely stand on my own too feet. Then the kicker is my depression being the main ride of it all. Giving the voices in my head a fucking speaker phone. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to move, I don't want to breathe, and I can't get it out of my head. It's super glued, nailed, engraved, burned and tattooed to my existence. While the ringer leader of it all watches amused as I suffer. I want to scream and shout, but am silenced by myself. 

This is a legitimate cry for help. Please help me. I'm begging you. I don't have much time until the voices takes the reign of my brain and steers me off a cliff. I'm losing control of myself and i don't know what to do. I don't want to do this, but the voice does and I can't stop me. So please, please if anyone is out there help me. Please help me.