suicidal but a meme idol

i nearly did it

I haven't felt such anger before in a long time. I wanted to hit someone, I wanted to hit him. I don't fully understand how I got to that point, but all I know is that I could see red. He was like my dad, except calm. I wasn't used to that. He used the same language, but instead of yelling he whispered. I clenched my fists. I became speechless. I wanted to let it rip, yell, scream, punch, kick, fucking anything. But I knew I couldn't. The one thing really stopping me was my reputation, my dignity. His niece was there. I couldn't let her see me like this or hear such vulgar words spring from my mouth. She is 16, but my image was on the line. All I can think about was him calling me crazy, for making jokes when I am visibly upset and when I even voice it, he makes another joke. I think that was the point for me. That was where I just clenched up and wanted to give him every piece of fury I had. I felt I had done so much for him at that point. I given a lot, but it didn't seem like he cared. My perception of his reactions made it look like he couldn't give a fuck. Yet again, I was emotional and still am. I try to suppress it, didn't work. I tried showing him my visible frustration, didn't get the hint. I even took it further by throwing his clothes at him and he still had no fucking idea. At this point, is there any point to show any sign of my anger and frustration. Just flew over his head like a bit of dust. I don't know if I am reading him wrong or I am not understanding, but I just got so fucking angry. I have never clenched my fists like I did before. Usually, it was when I was a kid to hide my nervousness when I was in trouble or when I wanted to get violent. I haven't done it in a while. But this just sparked. I got into his face and pushed it on him. But he won. I backed down, I walked away, I locked myself in the bathroom, I am the one sulking. I guess it's guilt. I've been told I harbour guilt like fucking shipping dock. I just feel guilt. I write this as I am going through my thoughts and emotions. I want to be angry, but I know I am wrong. I just can't believe what I became, or more who I became. I became my dad. An abusive, aggressive and abrupt piece of shit that manipulates people to how he wants. I was him. Lashing out, confrontational and arrogant. I just couldn't voice my anger the way I wanted or how I should've. I need help, but I don't know what to do. Nothing has worked. I just feel so guilty know. Put aside what he said, I just feel so guilty and angry at myself. 

So another thing happened again. I felt angry and I shut down... again. This time, I remember everything. He's saying something that I don't agree with and that we've spoken about before. He's making bold statements that I know he doesn't understand the realism in. I shut him down. Told him he didn't have the skills and empathy to do the tasks. I got angry. Every emotion boiled inside of me and repeated over and over again. I felt every bit of anger towards him that I could possible feel. I feel fury and wrath like I have never before. It's as if I was fucking possessed by the devil himself. I have spent all my life agreeing to what he wants, but this was the pin out of the grenade. I blew up. I imploded. Everything that I swore to him that I would do is now nothing. I don't see a future. If our love died, it cannot be the worse thing. I am so fucking angry. I am ready to fire. I am ready to explode. I want everything around me to burn, to shatter. I don't want a grain of what he has to offer. I am ready. He said I am aggressive and that I have been. Well, maybe I have been. But he has hurt me to no ends. Deciding what he wants and not appreciating what I have done. I hate every part of him. I hate the sight of him, I hate his tone, I hate his language, I hate everything. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had never slept with him. I wished I never considered a family or life with him. I wish I never existed. I wish I was dead. 

I want to die.

I need to die.

The guilt. The shame. I feel it. It's like a shadow.

I am not worthy. I am worth nothing. I am nothing. 

I just want to die. Let me die. Please. Just end it. 

I can't do this anymore.