suicidal but a meme idol

Is suicide an answer?

i've always been told that suicide isn't the answer. if i quote Philip DeFranco, he states that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Now, i know what you're thinking, which i hope is the same to what i'm writing but. Suicide is probably the worst solution and is not the answer. but what if it is? what if suicide the only solution. you see, people wouldn't want to end their life knowing there is an alternative. meaning, they wouldn't have ended their life if they knew there was another way. people say they are blinded by that, blinded from seeing hope and having an inkling of care for themselves. but to be frank, it's not that simple.

i've been told to describe what it' like to be on the brink of death by suicide. it was interesting, as the person asking was my best friend who didn't understand why i kept trying to kill myself and why i was depressed. well, she knew but didn't understand. so i explained it to her like this. imagine getting a's for school for every subject without trying. you consider that as normal, but as soon as you get lower you despise yourself. so you try harder right? to try and try to get better, but all your grades start to decline.you ask questions, start getting help but even then your grades get lower. sometimes they get higher, but in all they don't. they keep getting worse and you start to stop trying. start to give up. you barely pass now and even then it' not enough. she told me that you can improve that's if you keep trying. i said to her, yeah you can, but they are so fixated on their failure that they are afraid of trying anymore as they don't want to see the result of their failure. she rebutted, well what if it isn't about the failure. i said back, yes it's not always the cause that they are afraid of failing, but that can be the spark of it. failure can bring shame, such as intense criticism from family and friends. it can cause the destruction of self-confidence. it can lead to not sleeping, heightening the already present stress, which can lead to doing drugs or alcohol to avoid sleeping or to feel happy instead of tired. it can cause procrastination, doing more hours at work, doing my sport or even doing nothing just to avoid anything.  she then asked, but failure can't be the cause. i then stated for the final time, failure may not be the primary reason for their depression and suicide, but it is the thing that started it all.

she then continued on to ask why do you result to suicide, why do you hurt yourself, why do you hate yourself, why do you do this. that exaggerated last word highlighted irks me to levels i can't express. i understand people can change their perception from being a negative thing to ultimately drive them to success, but there are those few, including me that see the mistake and are left numb i guess. you see, suicide is a scapegoat in some cases. a way of avoiding things that you don't want to anymore. a coward move. yes, it is a coward move. i've witnessed the result and effect suicide has on the community and how detrimental it is. you see a murder can be explained as the murderer can be interrogated and the fault and blame are put on them. but with suicide, it is differen.t you either blame yourself or the person who died. is complex and hard. you have to deal with the why, why did they do this. you start to get unanswerable questions rummage through your already confused brain. it gets worse, you knot your thoughts and everything just gets worse and worse. it destroys on levels you didn't think existed. but you somehow find closure, but not completely.  you are not fully satisfied with the answer you got, but you deal with it anyway. it is not spoken or recognised and if it is then you shrug it off and try not to focus on it. it's weird, as i explained this my best mate, and yet she asked, if you know the consequences of suicide, then why do it. and the only reason, only justification i could give is is, in those few moments before ending it. you feel a feeling that you had lost. you feel alive. and all the cares and worries float away. you think they are better off without me (when they're not) but you do anyway. you don't care, and you think that they'll be fine. so you do it. i told her it was hard to explain. but the last thing she asked me, and this was the hardest thing to say to her. she asked, what makes you want to end your life so badly to the point where you keep doing it over and over. 

i didn't know what to say. she knows everything and i can say anything to her, but this was different. she knew i attempted suicide, but not the amount of time. it took a while to say the words but i told how many times i have done it. 17. 17 failed attempts. in reality, i look back on it and find it depressing. someone who is such a failure cannot even succeed at dying. i've tried 17 times and i'm still alive somehow. i told her, that no matter how many times i want to die, you fall victim to it again and again. it becomes a habit. it becomes the only option to escape so you keep going to it over and over again. i told her that it wasn't just the failure that i wanted to die, but the feeling of numbness i was engulfed in. it was like a drug. my mindset changed. i was like a dead man walking. i did speak, and when i did it was rude and spiteful. even when i did my normal routine of doing exercise, i lost love for the things i loved. like gym, hockey, school, family, friends. i lost care for everything. i was just an empty shell. i stop caring about myself. it started with not looking before i crossed the road. not checking dates of food. not doing my assignments. doing dangerous and life-threatening things. leading to drugs and alcohol. going against the health of my body. i didn't pop pills or tie the not yet, but i hoped that maybe just by random i would fall sick, feel something, or in anyway reach death.  it was as if i didn't care about myself as if i didn't matter. i wouldn't have cared if i died right then and there. but it did end up with a suicide attempt. i kept doing and doing it until i could finally reach that point. the point where i feel life one last time. i always hoped that someone would stop me initially, but by the end, i didn't care if someone stopped me or not. all i wanted was my body to be lifeless. i never truly found an answer why i kept trying to end myself, but one day i will. 

you see, in my eyes eyes, its as if it's just me in the world. in my last moments of living, i cut off everything. every person, every thought, everything. it's just me, alone. silence. i am succumbed by silence and nothing, i mean nothing can change my perception. 

so, in the end, i think suicide can be an answer, but the wrong one... and maybe, hopefull i'll explain here on why i am still here