suicidal but a meme idol

visions of gideon

This, this is a long damn story, or chapter if you will. To be fair, I should have broken it up into sections, like other chapters, but if you can muster the length of this story, read it through. However, if you don't find interest in it immediately or it's too damn fucking long, please read it by paragraph. It all correlates, but I wanted to make it perfect... as perfect as it could be at least. I have worked for 4 months on this short story or novella and it is (I hope) one of my biggest and best pieces of writing. I wrote this at a stage of my life where I had been fighting my morality and humanity. So thank you for reading it I suppose. Shots boiiis.

Warning: this does touch on religion, domestic violence, self-harm, and suicide (touchy subjects I know), but I really liked the juxtaposing beliefs and opinions on both matters and how they correlate/contradict each other. However, this does get pretty fucked up and brutal, so please, this is a warning and viewer discretion.

Time stood still. The wind flowed through the windows to freeze any second of time. He couldn't move; he didn't want to. This wasn't the first time this has happened. Where Ezra stood by his semi-closed window pane that flourished the empty room with the frigid air of his cogitations. He thought about her. Sin. That was her name, and that's what she was not. Her name juxtaposed her personality, but tonight was different. She had gone down a path that no one should: take a life. Her life withered like sand in your palms within a matter of seconds, and what was worse is that you didn't know. You didn't realise how fast it was going and didn't even take care to notice or acknowledge how quickly it fell from your grasp. God would punish her. Her devoted heart would face the wrath of a God she wholeheartedly worshiped. Sin committed one of the worst crimes against her faith. So, Ezra stood numbly as he gazed out the window. Fully knowing that the woman he admired, adored would never know of his affections, however, betrayed her faith, his faith. He stood at the window, as he fiddled his thumb against the small chain she gave to him on his 26th birthday. Wrapped around his knuckles, he stared blankly at the lamp post that gleamed in the tarnished street. It too was struggling to maintain its light like Ezra was to contain his emotions. It was her birthday today. Sin's 25th. Instead of celebrating the birth of life, everyone mourned on the day it died. All she wanted, all she needed was to know an answer. To hear Ezra confess his heart to her weakened soul, maybe that could have saved her from her demise, but Ezra was left in the dark, as he usually was. Lost in the confusing whirlpool that drowned him in guilt for reasons he didn't know. Helplessly falling victim to a cause he didn't understand, which in turn angered him, but caused sorrow at the loss of more than just a dear friend. As the clock echoed, it further emphasised how slow time must have felt in Sin's shoes. Ezra replayed the last message sent to him from her depleting lips: "please forgive me Ezra, but I'm tired." Ezra furrowed his eyebrows. Not being able to comprehend the message she was subtly delivering underneath the dwelling of her tongue. Ezra wanted to hate her. For not having the guts to admit to her downfall. To put her selfless pride away so someone can throw her a buoy to save her from drowning. He couldn't figure it out. How? Why? Sin didn't display any common symptoms of suicide. Well, at least not to Ezra. As he stared out the window, a gateway of questions rummaged through his thoughts. Pulling away from his daydream, he immersed himself back into reality for only a minute. Eventually, he strutted over to his computer, curiosity beguiled him to search for answers. He sat for what seems like days scrolling for any symptoms or clues to suicidal thoughts. Anger, giving away precious items, neglecting friends and family, doing more dangerous and riskier tasks without thought, carelessness, and self-harm. None matched, but she was always good at hiding. Faded memories of the recent weeks streamed into Ezra's mind like a film noir. He didn't focus on what was being said, but rather the surroundings that consumed the frame of the recollection, maybe that was the problem. He only remembered what was said, not how it was being said. Nothing seemed suspicious or popped up in his sight to conjure disbelief or conspire the safety and well-being of Sin. Something was missing. A key piece to the puzzle that Ezra couldn't unravel. It was like the film had been burnt and tarnished in the right spots to create speckles across his vision. He waited for it to kick in, to settle. Ezra still had hope that Sin would rise front the ashes of the fire that purified her heart, but instead, she remained but a gray memory. He didn't want to face the fact that she was gone, not yet at least. Despite hearing the news earlier that morning, he hasn't yet registered the underlying truth and reality of the situation. What? Why? When? How? Unanswerable questions that spread across an unimaginable scale. Slowly, Ezra inclined off his chair to gaze at the window once again. To find solace in the unknown but aimlessly, he stared at an old street light that flickered in the night sky. No noise. Just silence. It wreaked of indisputable queries from a girl with all the answers, but from a woman without a voice anymore. Her voice. Ezra couldn't stop thinking about it. How it had faded away into an oblivion. He couldn't even remember what colour eyes she had. It was funny, a man who used to be so invested into a woman for what seems like an eternity, you'd expect from him to at least be able to recollect his lover's traits. No. Surprise wiped away his visions of her in the form of a sigh. Ezra clenched his fist tightly into his boxer shorts. He was tired. Exhausted to the point of no return. As much as he wanted to wait for Sin to walk across that dreaded footpath, his energy was depleting. He thought, maybe I'll sleep for 5 minutes. Maybe 10, or 20. Before he knew it, he hit his bed like a pile of rocks to concrete. He needed this. To pretend she was still alive. To live a lie until the sun rises. To assume Sin is just like him, closing her weary eyes to rest until the beam of sun glimmers through her blinds. Ezra slept assured that she was still breathing the same oxygen he was. Taking light breath's in her sleep. He pictured her curled within the sheets with a pillow between her legs as her head lays on the pretend body that gave her closure. Cuddling its warm embrace. Nuzzling her nose into the sheets to scratch that unattainable itch right between her cheeks that irritated her to bits. Ezra hoped she'd sleep peacefully. Not have her body hurled into a ball against the wall and head dug into the pillow as she hid the frown of furrowed eyebrows under her hair. Hoping that her toes wouldn't crinkle and her hands clasped into her arms that held her body together as if she's sheltering herself like a cocoon. Ezra wished she was with him now. Lying safely across from him. Her eyes fluttering as a small smile always creeks on her cheeks. See her blush through the darkness and connect the dots of her freckles on her lively face that haboured underlying pain that never grazed the surface. He wanted nothing but that for forever. He prayed that he'd wake up and that's what he'd see. An angel that resides in his grasp. Entwined together in harmony. And just like that, the sun rose and nothing was to come of his wishes.