suicidal but a meme idol

dear munchkin

to my dearest munchkin, my favourite dork,

you are my first ever real and true first love. ryan was a nightmare, but you are like the garden of eden that god has created for me. you are love in the truest form. i could never want anyone or anything to have or bare my heart to. i want it all for you, to give it all to you and hoping you'd reciprocate the same. sometimes, there are temptations. temptations that make me want to give you up as i dont want to be the apple that poisons your heart, bu the voices in my head is the damn snake that manipulates me. but somehow, you my darling are the one that keeps me from falling and handing in the towel of our relationship. you have brought joy and love into my life that i hadn't experienced before. most of all, you have made me feel safe in another's arms. i used to never let anyone touch my neck, face, head, or hair, but for you i have made the exception. i though anyone who dared to touch me there was bound to take advantage of me like the past people who i trusted have done, but you, you never did and never will. i trust you. 

sometimes i worry that i mother you, but i just want to show my love. if it gets too much i understand and it'll be hard, but i'll do it for you. i love that when you're not with me that you read to me to sleep and when you're with me you hold me and kiss me until i do. i love hearing your voice and holding you in my arms which is something i've never been comfortable with doing, but with you, i make an exception. just you. only you. my munchkin. my adam. my love. sometimes you make me pull my hair out, but i only love you.

i know i can be difficult. it's not easy loving me. it gets rough. depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder doesn't help, but you stick with me. somehow i dont know, but you do it. i feel guilty that you do, and one day that'll you'll see me how i see myself. i'm scared that you will and leave for someone better which i get, but i dont want you to. i dont want you leave me, not right now. i know i can be difficult, and hard, and frustrating, and annoying, and confusing, and emotional, and so extremely helpless that not even you can figure a way to help me. but somehow you make me get out of the hole i dig and help you through the pain i put you through. 

i love you adam. my adam. only mine.