suicidal but a meme idol

hot and cold

i hated the cold, and he knew that. he knew how i despised the cold. repulsed by the thick layer of freezing air that engulfed me. but still, even when i hated the feeling of icicles growing on my skin, i would do it for him. he didn't know that, but i did. a howling breeze passes right through my heaving soul, slowly deteriorating my hope for him to come. i wanted him to, but i knew what he was like. although his heart of fire, his mind was bitter like the drizzling rain that seeped from the clouds. it gradually became heavier, alluding to the growing pain within my heart. The heart ache strikes me like lightning flashing in the sky. my thunderous thoughts brewed heavier. the buckle of my knees solidifying its restless cogitation. as the rain poured from angels crying, it coated me in their sympathy; drenching my flimsy oversized sweater alongside my denim shorts. i now regret wearing my high socks and converse as they did nothing to stop my feet from being drenched in my regrets. i hated this. i hated waiting. i hated the cold. and i hated him. and yet, i still stand under the park lamp post where we first met. i start to question our relationship, who we were, who we are. although i texted him to meet at where we first met at 10pm, he was still a no show. my thoughts rattle, maybe he forgot, but how could someone who supposedly loved you forget. maybe he's confused, or maybe he doesn't love you. maybe he's lost, or maybe he's in denial and can't decide. these thoughts raged, and still, i stand under the lamp post, holding my arms across my chest as if it were his, my hair tangled down my dripping face and waiting for his arrival. i didn't check my phone, i couldn't as when i got here it died, so all i could rely on was time. the sky flooded with clouds, masking the fervent stars that scattered across the dark plane to be but a dreary pity. my neck quakes, as every droplet runs down my spine, hinting at all the mistakes and regrets i've made. hands quivering around my waist as my body trembles when a sudden gust of wind blows past my shuddering frame. i stood there, in pain still awaiting his arrival. with the guitar riff of our song; exactly how you are by ball park music. i tap my frozen foot to the drums, humming the lyrics on repeat to distract myself from the aching pain.

i hated the cold, and he knew that, he knew i hated it and yet i waited for him. like a rock, i waited to be moved.  it felt like i was here forever, but i knew in reality it had been a couple hours, and still the rain continued to bombard my shattered heart to piece it together with frozen fractals of loneliness. i knew this would imprint my life, change my perception on everything, and still i waited for him to melt me into his embrace. his name echoes in my mind: Timothèe. The tall beautiful New Yorker boy who stole the last of my innocence and healed the scars of hatred. as i tap to our song, i picture his eyes. his opal green eyes that bored into my soul and tattooed themselves to the back of my mind. i long for his arms to be wrapped around my waist and pulling me closer to him, swaying slightly to the song that was in his head. i desired to touch his skin, to trace his freckles and feel the soft surface on the tips of my frozen fingers. i attempted to hear his voice, how it echoed through my ears, soothing my contradicting thoughts. how he beguiled me into his heart. i began to close my eyes, picturing him. only a month ago it was, a day worth remembering, a day i can't erase. sitting on the banks of secluded river where beautiful daises grew beneath your palms. he sat right near the edge, waiting for my presence. he rested amongst the heaves of grass and immersed himself under the gleam sun as the water glimmered in his eyes. his rough and wavy curls everywhere. long fawn curls that trembled across the back of his neck and in front of his eyes. his long slender fingers fiddling with the grass between his palms. i felt the radiance of the sun beam through my memory, but surely i was encompassed with great darkness. eventually, the memory faded into black and white as i cascaded to the hard cement of the pathway. i was paralysed. unable to move, as if i could feel everything, but couldn't move. i would cry, but if i did i would let all the pain that simmered inside me begin to boil. as i slowly fell, a body enveloped me in its embrace before impacting the bitter cement. too exhausted to move, all i could see was a blur and white noise of a voice that slowly faded out of my mind.