suicidal but a meme idol

drowning

I remember. I remember the feeling of butterflies fluttering in my stomach every time I sawhim. I remember the feeling of skimming my hands through his thick beach hair and how it always fervently smelled of the depths of the ocean. I remember his ivory calloused hands that sent shivers as they pranced along the edge of my skin. I remember his vehement eyes, how far I fell for them; swimming deeper into the depths of them to soon drown slowly; admiring the hidden colours from the turquoise surface to indigo foundation. I remember his angelic voice; a bittersweet tragedy forcing me into his trance. But what I remember most is how he made everything so peaceful. My mother warned me; stay away from him, far away from, and even when I asked why, she would never respond, shying away from whatever she was concealing. I would replay her words in my head whenever I saw or heard of him. He was the latest gossip, especially in school. Every party, meeting, school team or even newsletter, he would be in it. He wouldn't leave, he is superglued to my every movement, and every bloody thought. It was at a house party, it seemed he had gotten tired of being eluded. He knew something was up, he knew I was avoiding him and he decided to take charge of his own boat. He divided the crowd with one single step, pushing through like a tidal wave, splitting the crowd like a ship in the waves. It seemed, he was searching for words. He had the destination, but didn't know what to do when he arrived. He was puzzled, deciding whether to be flirtatious or to be calm and collected. But eventually he figured it out, mustering the courage to finally speak to my shaken body. It seemed he knew, he knew I was afraid, he knew everything, and with that he knew I was terrified of that. Days, weeks, months went by, to be met with a friendship, well if that's what is what you'd call it. I don't even know what it is. I was so unsure, fighting against the tide of my morals and the words of my mother flooding my mind like a boat in a storm. Hearing about him, about what he's done, what he could do by the people that I've grown familiar, telling me to steer away from the wreck he is, but my curiosity has taken a hold of me, so I set sail for my destruction, a predicted suicide mission. I knew it would kill me, I knew it would, but my obliviousness and emotions is my greatest weakness, and he knew that. He remembered that, and whenever we'd fight he would target me, crushing me, drowning me in his anger and is pain. I suffocated, his wrath was uncontrollable, and there was no way of taming this hurricane. I remember this one time, this one time he had made me remember the words everyone has told me, I remember the time he made me fall to my knees and give in to the hailstorm he was about to unleash. I'd never seen him so angry, so hurt, so... alone. And all I could do was stand there, look like an idiot. If you are thinking what I'm thinking, no we aren't dating, we never did, we were never something, even when I wanted to be something more, but that could never sink in with him. It wasn't about love, it was about revenge. It seemed I had provoked him, I don't know what I did, but I know that what ever I did it seemed to tear him from the inside out. He screamed, yelled, bellowed everything that he could. The only words that came from my lips, the lips that were craving him was "Please don't go, I need you, more than you think." I realised I shouldn't have said a damn word, I shouldn't have tested the waters as what was coming was unexpected. I've never thought about dying, but after what he had told me, I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Every night, I sat at a cliff where we would call it home, for him and i. where we would stare at the moon as it set in the midnight sky along the sea and disappeared into the rising run, but all those memories faded to black. I sat there, every night, waiting to see if he would turn up, but he never did. I waited, and waited, and waited, and I knew somewhere buried down in my heart that I still loved the boy, but those thoughts were washed away with anger, hurt, despair, agony, loneliness. Months went by, without him was like the ocean without the moon, dysfunctional. I couldn't think, the words he muttered have scarred me, broke me, tore me, drowned me. There was no way I could ever come back, there was no way I'd be normal again. I tried to forget him, drinking, drugs,
partying, self-harm, anything to keep him away, anything to keep the thoughts that are
haunting me far away, eventually slowly killing myself. I withdrew from my family, my friends, the people who wanted to help, but there was no way of helping me. So, I decided this is the end, the end of it all, the last drop of hope. It was a Thursday night, and it was formal. Everyone dressed to impress, everyone there to make any entrance. He was there, he was with the very girl I aspired to be, the very girl he wished I was, the girl I could never be. I sat away, feeling the loneliness creep in under my skin, as if it was sand in between my toes, there was no way of getting rid of it. When everything was closing, everyone vacated to the after party. Filled with booze, drugs and a good time. You'd expect me to be there, but I was the girl, still in her formal dress, standing at the edge of a cliff, looking over the ocean. The sea, the sea I had grown to fall in love with. Mascara running down my cheeks, and the ever-going sting on my wrist. I knew that I could never be loved, that I could never be what people wanted. My feet hanging by the edge, hair flowing in the sea breeze, I closed my eyes, before stretching my arms out. Before taking that step, and down I plummeted. Wrapped in the hands of the ocean wind dragging me down by the clutch of my waist. I opened my eyes, admiring the midnight sky for one last time. I watched as the moon rose above me, feeling its love, feeling as if it was the only thing that kept me alive. I closed my eyes, hearing the crash of the waves on the edge of the rocks before I was engulfed by the beauty of the hypnotising translucent friend I had been searching for. I felt all my breath escape me as I sank to the bottom of my dreams, feeling I am finally loved, the most alive I've felt. Wrapped in the arms of the ocean and that is where I rest. Woefully giving in, I took my
lastbreath before drowning to then be met with the moon and the sea.