suicidal but a meme idol

a reach for help

this is not a joke. this is not a drill. this is the only way i can convey this as easy as possible. i'm not going to hide it, but say it as clearly as i can in the bluntest way possible.

i want to die.

i don't know why, but i do. i just want everything to stop for a second. for time to stop just for a second. i've tried to not think about it. focusing on other things. going for morning rides every day, going to the gym, sleeping it off, doing homework or school assignments, but that just makes me want to do it more. i have this thought, that a person of lower class, say a single mom prostitute in brazil that has a family. she doesn't have time to think about how shitty her life is, all she knows is that she has to deal with the struggle and deal with the pain to survive. for the sake of her kids and family. then you look at me, a privileged 16-year-old girl, that has education, does minimal work labour, does sport and has enough money to fund herself, but yet she's the one that wants to get hit by a bus. you see she has everything, while the other woman doesn't. it feels unusual that i live in a safe place and can get everything, but yet the prostitute is fine with just making a day at a time.

is this weird, is this selfish? i have no clue. i just want to die. i just want to shake hands with a reaper and let him take the last of my broken soul in his hands to then be engulfed by him. maybe, just maybe i am wrong there is no need for my ending, but for some reason i'm so fixated on the thought. the feeling of satisfaction that i would get. i'm tempted to not post this, but fuck it no one will care to call. even if you did you couldn't do much.

but let's get this straight, i dont want to die because i dont care. that i think no one cares about me and fuck everyone. i'm doing this because... i don't know. but that aint the reason. how self absorbed can you get to think that no one cares to the extent you want to kill yourself. that is just... egotistical, narcissistic and cruel. kind of like Hannah baker from 13 reasons why. but, i think right now, right here that i'm focused on my past. i have a tendency to do that. to the point where i justify my failures and actions as a result of past inflictions. i thought my past wouldn't haunt me anymore, that the repeated offenses by my father would be behind me, but unfortunately he still punctures my mind like he does punching my face. PTSD a bitch, alongside have depression. man, it can kill ya. to be frank, i'm just a mess. focused on my past which is now making present day complicated. being uninterested in the things i love, being rude and snarky to my friends or just randoms, and just not being... me.

i guess in reality i have either lost touch of myself or have completely forgot my purpose on why i am still here after the reoccurring and copious amounts of times i've tried to kill myself. it's ironic and sad that a person who has tried to kill them so many times, still can't learn from the mistakes of not succeeding, or maybe i'm considered lucky for having people be aware of the 'signs'. i don't know. maybe i'm delusional and deranged but that wont be any justification for my death. i'm gonna stick one more day out, to see if anything changes, but i doubt anything will. i doubt anything will change at all, and even if it does it wont change by much.

see ya soon, hopefully.

- Sophie