Unhinged √

23.

    Sleep was a funny thing for me last night. I didn't want to fall asleep especially after Travis locked himself in the guestroom instead of our bedroom. I spent over an hour leaned on the opposite wall staring at the door, willing it to open but not daring to knock no matter how much I wanted to.

Of course I wanted him to talk to me, even if it was to tell me that he hated me but I was scared that the next time he looked at me, it'd be with wild anger and I don't want that for him. I don't want him to lose his head because of me. The trick is figuring out what I really want.

I eventually returned to our empty, cold room filled with fragments of the person that he is but I couldn't bring myself to lie on the bed. I plopped myself on the floor with my back again the bed frame, resisting the urge to curl up to the pillows that smell like him.

It is pathetic how easily I cried over a mess I created, I deserve every bit of the hurt I feel and I am not going to run away from it but somehow last night, I fell asleep and woke with a stiff neck.

      The sun is already out when I open my eyes and I take a moment to get used to my surroundings. I am still on the floor, still in my clothes from yesterday, only now there is a light blanket over half my body.

I feel my heart constrict as I grip it. Travis must have come in at some point to get a change of clothes and I spring to my feet, heading straight for the guest bedroom. I knock and wait for a while but get no response.

"Travis". I sound like a congested pig but it doesn't matter, there is still no reply. I open the door carefully but I already knew he wouldn't be here. Holding on to a shard of hope, I make my way to the living room, then the kitchen, even the den that we renamed the chill room but he isn't here.

I fall into one of the bean bags and hold my head in my hands. What was I thinking? That he'd just sleep it off and wake me up with a kiss of forgiveness this morning? Fucking stupid.

I drag my hands down my face as I feel the silence in the house. Our house. Our home.

Getting Travis to agree to move in with me was a battle. For the first year after he got back from Casville, we stayed in different states, me in New York rounding up college and him here with Pokello, attending therapy and getting a move on his life.

It was fucking hard, not being able to walk with him through every step but we made it work with a shit ton of road trips and hours on Skype. What we had, it was solid, it was forever, well until I went and messed it up.

Moving down here after college was a given, it's not like I was going to go back to our hometown and work for my mother_which was her lifelong dream. The problem came when I told him my intentions to buy us a house.

I didn't really tell him, it just slipped out of my large mouth and he wouldn't let me treat him like a 'wife'. He had just opened his own garage with his savings and help from his older brother, Trevor.

I didn't think he was stable enough to buy a house but his stubborn ass wouldn't let me do it alone, even though I had enough money to do so, perks of playing for one of the biggest football clubs in the country.

Nevertheless, it felt good doing it together, seeing both our names on the deed, it felt like a big step towards our future together.

   Together. It's a funny word. Unification. Travis Harden is my better half, there has never been a moment where I thought differently. Even when it seemed like I had lost him, like I could move on, I still knew that he would hold the better part of me, the truest parts, something I can no longer identify.

My phone vibrates on the table and one look at it has my heart crashing down all over again. I swallow thickly before taking the call.

"Hi Kello".