Unhinged √

19.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
- Paulo Coelho

       We ended up going to the park, as cheesy as that sounds but the real reason was the hot weather, it only got worse in confined spaces.

We were laid out on the grass, gazing up at the sky, listening to each other breathe, ignoring the uncertainties for a while until he spoke.

"I blamed myself". I turned to face him but he just kept staring up.

"I knew everything you were going through, maybe I didn't understand it but I didn't do enough to help you".

"You can't force somebody to heal, Jake".

"Yeah but you give them a reason, you give them something to try for".

"And you gave me enough, you gave me yourself".

"Maybe that was the problem, maybe it was too much for you".

"No, it was never really about you or what I felt for you, it was about me and all the hatred and anger I carried, I still carry. I didn't think I had a problem, I thought I was the problem. I thought my mama wouldn't have died if I had just gone upstairs as she asked, I thought I failed her. What happened to her, it messed me up. You can't fix a man that doesn't want to be fixed".

"I'm sorry I didn't do enough to help you with what you were dealing with. It's just, you made it seem like it wasn't that serious". He adjusted so he was facing me.

"You asked me to get professional help and I smashed a bottle against the wall because I didn't want help, I wanted to suffer".

He took my hand in his and I sighed.

"What do you see in me? I have only hate in my heart".

"No, you have love that you are scared to give because some people you loved got hurt and it hurt you and I know what that feels like, I feel it whenever I look at you. Travis, you might think that hurting the people you love is the most painful thing but it's not. The most painful shit out there is watching the person you love hurt themselves for reasons that are beyond them. Losing a person to death sucks but losing them to themself? To their own thoughts and demons, you never heal from that. That is what will happen to me, to Pokello if you don't find your way back to us, the guilt of not doing enough will eat us alive".

I squeezed his hand as I fought back tears but he didn't let go.

"You wanted to know why I left? I left because I felt I was no longer needed, because Trevor and Kello had lost brothers and the one left was a murderer".

"You are not a murderer". He quickly countered.

"But I could have been and I didn't want them to live with the stigma. I'm messed up, I've always known that and I've done a lot of shit I regret but I regret running the most. My pops was right, I'm not different from him but I want to be".

"You are nothing like your father Travis, stop saying that". He said sternly.

"I don't know who I am anymore but I'm not going to deny that I am gay and I love you".