Unhinged √

22.

      I love the city. The people, the music, the constant movement and dull vibration like everyone secretes a bit of their nerves on the street and it just grows on its own in the background, drawing more nerves out of people.

I love the quiet better. Not utter silence, just solitude away from the demands of society and the anxiety to meet up with standards.

Travis loves nature, loves to garden and watch his seeds bloom, loves to go on a hike up a mountain and listen to the chirps of the birds. It's why we got a house on the outskirts of town, where he could have a garden at the back that we'd sit on the porch admiring on evenings while drinking scotch and talking about our day in the city.

We fit perfectly like two halves of the same coin, different but still similar, completing each other. He used to have and call it cheesy when I tell him that but from the look he'd have in his eyes and the tilt of his lips, I know he believed it too, he loved it.

As I drive back from Zayn's I can't help but remember how he'd take us out on the weekends, it became a tradition of ours. No matter what we had been up to during the day, every Saturday night, we'd get in his car and drive round the mountains, slowly, which always felt unreal to watch.

Travis was on a fast lane when we first met, doing everything with passion and speed, it's why when he got on the path of self sabotage, he went hard and fast, almost taking a few more people down with him. It took years for him to come back from that and on those weekends, driving with one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, stealing glances and kisses and grinning like drunkards, I felt proud of him, proud of myself, proud of us.

Now all I feel is disgust at myself for ruining all his efforts to bring back that spark into his eyes. Travis doesn't deserve this, he deserves happiness, peace and everything else that is good and I've robbed him of it.

        The dread builds up again as I roll down the driveway and I see Travis by the front door but he isn't alone, she is with him.

I contemplate putting the car on reverse and getting the fuck out of here or staying in the car until someone sets me on fire but I can't, they both deserve better than cowardice from me so I get out and walk up to them.

Ingrid looks like she always does but a little worse, like the world robbed her of everything which in a way, it did. Travis on the other hand looks a lot like he did this morning; clear empty eyes that just watch.

"Ingrid". She struggles to meet my eyes for a while but when she does, hers are determined.

"You weren't taking my calls and I had to do something".

"Yeah, sorry. Things have just been crazy".

My heart is going crazy in my chest, we shouldn't be having this conversation in front of Travis. If he finds out about the little detail I hadn't included last night, I don't know what he'll do and I am not ready to find out.

"Why don't we__"

"I'm doing it next week". She cuts me off with her shaky words.

"What?" I ask dumbly.

"The pregnancy. I'm getting an abortion next week".

My eyes immediately fly to Travis, dreading his next move but nothing comes, he just stands there,  leaned on the wall, empty eyes watching us and it's the most unnerved I've ever been.

"Ingrid".

"I can't have a baby, Jake. Not now and especially not if I'm going to do it alone. I'm telling you because you have a right to this child too and if you want it, which I doubt, judging by your actions from the last couple of weeks__ but if you want me to keep it, then you've got to promise to be in this with me, full-time".

I stand here completely at a loss for words and she sighs.

"Think about it Jake but not past next week". She the turns to Travis. "I really am sorry". Then she is leaving and I still can't find my words until Travis disappears from the door. I hurry in after him.

"Travis, I can explain". I try to grab his arm but he crouches down at the time to get his keys off the center table and heads for the door but I get on front of him.

"I was going to tell you about the baby last night but I lost my nerves and I am so sorry__ for everything. Just please, just talk to me".

He stares at me for a while like a robot scanning a strange specimen, then he sidestep me and walks out without a word for the second time today.

I collapse on the sofa and pull at my hair for hours. I know I should be thinking about Ingrid and the baby but all I can think about is how I broke the man I love, after he managed to get himself back together.

********************

    Travis doesn't get back until 2am and I sit up on the sofa that I've been laid out on for the last ten hours as he walks through the front door. The strong smell of his cologne hits me first and I feel relief rush over me knowing that he hadn't been out drinking as I spent most of the night thinking.

He quit drinking over a year ago after years of dealing with an alcohol problem. He only ever drinks wine with me, in moderation. Now I am worried about where he could have been and what he might have done but it all doesn't matter, all that matters is that he is home and he is safe.

He pauses in the living room and stare at me for what feels like ages before falling into the chair across from me. The room is bathed in a yellow glow from the side lamps that are solar powered, I don't know where Pokello got those but I loved them instantly, not in this moment though, not when they don't give me a clear view of Travis's face.

He sits still and after some time, I fear he has fallen asleep, then he laughs lightly.

"How did it feel?" His voice is unusually groggy.

"What?"

"How did it feel? Making a fool out of me".

"Travis_"

"Because just last weekend at that Dax concert, the one you got us tickets to? God, I loved that concert". He pauses for a short while to let out a breathy laugh. "You told me you loved me that night and everyday after". He let's out another laugh, a little louder.

"And the way you say the words, so sincerely, very convincing. I can't even tell when you are lying".

"I wasn't lying". He disregard my words, scooting forward so his hands are on his knees.

"You knew, all that time that your seed was growing in some chic's tummy while you kissed me and whispered lies into my ears. Man, that's fucking cold".

I didn't think I could take any more blows but the more he speaks, the louder I hear his pain and the lower I descend.

"How do you live with that on your conscience?"

"I didn't want to hurt you". My voice sounds broken and disgusting, desperate.

"You know, when you say it like that, it almost sounds like you love me".

"I do! More than anything Travis, you know that. I didn't_ I don't want to lose you".
He scoffs as he gets out of his seat.

"I wish I believed that". I grab his hand as he walks by my seat.

"I'm sorry. Do you hear me? I am sorry".

He smiles down at me. "I don't believe that either".

I get up, not letting his hand slip out of mine. "What can I do? Tell me how I can fix this Travis".

He looks at our joined hands and pull his away, not  looking at my face. "I'm gonna go pass out. Goodnight".

I should try harder, I want to but I can see the exhaustion in his stance, there is no point in causing him more pain. Zayn said he needs space, I owe him that much and even if it hurts to have him unable to look at me, I'll bear it if it means I get a chance to prove to him that cheating on him is the worse mistake of my life, one I hadn't intended on making.