Unhinged √

17.

We get lost in distractions, act out in frustration, react with aggression, give in to anger.
- Klaus Mikaelson.

    I had nightmares. I guess you would too if you'd watched two people you cared about die and almost killed one yourself.

I used to drink, hoping that I'd be too wasted to dream and when that stopped working, I switched to drugs, sleeping pills and other stuff but that too reached its expiry date.

No one knew about my nightmares, until Jake and he was so chill about it. He said his best friend had them too and he wouldn't get help either. He said we were similar; headstrong and punishing ourselves unjustly.

I didn't want to have anything in common with his best friend, I didn't want to be just a reminder of what he couldn't have. I didn't want him to feel like he had to save me.

I didn't want him in my mess, I didn't want to want him but sometimes it felt like I needed him.

"He is not here"

I felt heavy, immobile.

"He is not coming back".

Sinking, drowning.

"You are just like me".

Suddenly I began moving, flailing.

"They are just memories".

Deep breaths.

"They are not who you are".

I was being tossed.

"He is a brave boy".

Left, right.

"Let it go".

My eyes flew open and it took me a second to realize that I was panting, lying amidst my damp sheets. I lay there for a while, catching my breath, wondering how I ended up here.

I'd had too much to drink, the banging headache was a souvenir but I was concerned about how I hadn't ended up thrown out on the streets.

The sun was already out, even though it was just 7:00am. I still had two hours before I had to be at the garage so listening to my stomach grumblings for once, I made pancakes with the ingredients that most have been nearing expiration.

     It was Friday and Janice was on one of her days off so I walked straight to the backroom, not bothering to say hi to the girl who was manning the front desk, they got changed every other week.

I was the first one there, Hero was working the second shift and none of the other guys were particularly punctual. They all came in together and I was still at the backroom because there had been no customers yet.

"I always thought he was weird". One of them said as they filed in.

"Swears, I can't believe he a fa..."
They all paused as they saw me.

"What's up?" I lifted a brow in confusion and they dispersed, leaving Kazeem there to glare at me.

I sighed and walked past him outside, not feeling up for his drama.