Unhinged √

6.

Ancient history is now present tense
- Clay Jensen

I remember the first time I met Jake Levinson like it was yesterday. We had been texting a lot for almost a month, we spoke on the phone a lot too and that was my favorite part. He was the first and only guy on grindr that I had agreed to communicate with outside the app.

I liked his voice, a little too much, the things it did to me. I called him whenever I had a bad day, not to vent but to listen to him talk about football and his best friend, Zayn. He said he used to have a crush on him once, sometimes I thought he still did but Zayn was straight and didn't know he was gay, no one did.

I liked what his voice could do to my body, I wondered what his face would do, it was just curiosity. When we finally decided to meet, it was to know each other better, as friends, nothing more.

We met at the McDonalds that soon became our spot. Building a friendship wasn't difficult, Jake loved to talk and I always listened, even when he didn't think I was.

He used to call himself perfectly average, something I could never agree with. His looks for one was sports magazine cover worthy, which was expected considering the amount of time he spent on the field and at the gym.

His muscles weren't his most defined feature though, it was that smile of his that always enhanced his innocent face. He had a baby face that he loved because he said it justified his cheerful nature.

Aside training his muscles, Jake never put any effort into his appearance, his brown hair was always a curled up nest on his head and when he wasn't making a large shirt look small, he was donned in his stupid varsity jacket.

I wasn't burdened with the responsibility of pleasing any parents but Jake had a perfectionist for a mother. His future was written and handed to him the day he was born, it was his life obligation to not mess it up even by a little detail and being gay was more than a little detail, one he was willing to keep hidden in order not to jeopardize the dream he had been handed of becoming a world-class footballer someday.

I had dropped out of school after mama died because we couldn't afford it and I had to help Trevor out but I hadn't missed it. If I had been in school though, I would never had been close to Jake, his grades were better than that of all his teammates but his mom said they were alright which he interpreted to meaning he could do better.

With football and classes, it was a mystery how he still found time to study. What drew me the most to Jake was his kindness, even when he was stressed out and supposed to be icky, he still made time for the people he cared about, which included me for some reason and still smiled like the world couldn't break him, something I hadn't wasted any time in doing.

It was my fault we got past 'just friends'. I had wanted to know him better and there was so much to know, I got drowned, taking and taking even when I knew I couldn't give back, not entirely anyway. Jake made everything good, he made me feel normal, grounded and not like the biggest sinner I knew I was.

He told me it was okay and I believed him because how could it not be okay when it felt so good. I let myself get comfortable enough to feel entitled, the secret arrangement was okay for us both until he went and got a girlfriend, I knew it was show, that his mom was pestering him.

What is a perfect son without a perfect little girlfriend? And Katie was perfect, I knew that because I knew her, she was one of my sister's friends, maybe that was why I got scared, because the only person that kept me grounded had another option, one that was way better than my self hating ass.