Unhinged √

30.

    Breakfast or brunch was a bust, Meghan is still upset she has to go shopping because we lost so she signed off every other chore and Pokello was too tired from eating too much cake so we were left at the mercy of Newt and Zayn and those two do not know what goes in a breakfast burrito. I pray I never find out what they stuffed in there, we'd have been better off with cereal.

I left my food barely eaten and went to take a shower. I can see Newt and Zayn outside with second helpings as I walk through the living room and just before I step into the kitchen, I spot Travis at the bar. It's a little past noon and there is a glass of something that isn't juice or cocktail beside his hands that he has his head leaned on.

There shouldn't be any alcohol here but he got past that stage over a year ago. No one worries about it anymore but apparently there is a need to because day drinking is a long way from being sober.

"Babe". I say the word out of habit and he slowly lift his head to give me a blank stare.

"Don't you think you've been drinking too much". He rolls his eyes.

"Not nearly enough".

"You've made tremendous progress with AA, I just_"

"I don't get it". His voice is hostile.

"Travis I'm concerned_"

"Then that's good right? It's what you wanted, isn't it? A broken piece to fix".

"You are not_"

"And don't you dare tell me I am not broken because it's the only way you see me. Like a problem that needs solving, a stray that needs rescuing. Just how you see Ingrid. We are your projects, Jake Levinson, aren't we?"

I have been talked into silence. His words are shocking and unsettling. He can't possibly think that, he can't because it is not true at all but I can't open my mouth to tell him that. His bitter laughter is heavy on the ears.

"I always knew I wasn't perfect and for years I felt I didn't deserve you. I wanted to be good enough for you, you are the biggest reason why I wanted to be better, I spent all this while learning how to love you right but I guess I got it all wrong. You only stayed to prove how kind and liberal you are". He begins leaving the bar but I don't let him go, I can't.

"Travis you are good enough for me, you are perfect. It is I who do not deserve you. You hear me? I am the undeserving one".
He attempts to move past me but I grip his shoulders and hold him in place.

"I am not trying to fix you. You do not need fixing".

"Is that your reason for leaving?"

"I am not leaving you! Please baby try to believe me, everything was a mistake. I love you, okay? I can't imagine my life without you Travis, can't you see it? I'm falling apart at the mere thought of it".

"Is everything okay?" Newt's voice is tentative in the background but it doesn't get me to tear my eyes away from the man I have under my grip that is so tight he should be squirming. I release my hold once I realize this but I do not let him go.

"Let's go for a run, Newt". His eyes are stormy and they stay on me.

"Your ankle". He shrugs off my hold and moves towards the back door. I want to turn around and watch him but the tears are rolling down already.

"Let's go, Newt". He calls out and the man mumbles out a complain but follows him anyway. It isn't long after their have left that I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright?" Zayn ask.

"He heard me talking to you earlier and now he thinks he is a project and I'm a user and_" Zayn's arms are around me before I completely fall apart. I shouldn't be like this, my mother would be ashamed. To Sarah Levinson, men are scum but they do not cry, no matter what.