COLLAGE (Random)

Tears and Regrets

Wow! It took me two years to actually write again. When was the last time i wrote about my thought,personal stuff and dilemma anyways? 

As it is my off today and don't know  if ever i'm still gonna be able to do this again. Susulat nalang ulit ako ng piece of thought ko . If may kabuluhan pa nga ba mga pinagsasabi ko. Kung mapapansin nyo naman sa title, hindi na agad sya masaya. Pero i'll make sure matatapos mo to ng may mapapala ka.Sana.
Two years ago, i had everything . Well,not like everything on the spot. I mean, everything is just as good as planned. It was smooth and rough in a way. Not until, i wanted more. I kept wanting more,to the point i had to pressure everyone's that around me. Believing no matter what i do, no matter what i say they're gonna stay anyway. I had that kind of mentality. I've grown so much confidence,ego,pride and even balls inside my head. Sa sobrang laki ng ulo ko, ni hindi sumagi sa isip ko na kayang kaya nilang mawala ako o mawala sila sa akin.
Sa tinagal tagal na may taong andyan lagi para sa akin, saka ko pa nakuhang questionin bakit may kulang? Bakit di ko dagdagan o punan yung nawawala? O di kaya'y subukan ko kaya ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nakukuha? Malay mo, malay natin mas sasaya pala ako. Mas mararamdaman kong buo ako. Bakit di ko kaya subukang tumalon sa 20 storey building para malaman ko kung may dadating ba na superhero ? o kaya pipikit lang ako pagkatapos pagdilat ko walang nangyari sakin , buong buo pa din ako dahil may nakahanda ng malambot na higaan sa babagsakan ko? 
Ganun ako, ganyan ako makasarili. I tested everyone. 

I tested everything, to see the outcome. Only to see things fall apart. 

I should've read the signs. I should've just known earlier that if things go wrong ,i shouldn't call anyone but her.  If things go crucial, whether it's right or wrong . It's supposed to be only  one person. Kung magkagulo man, gumuho man ang mundo. Walang sisisihin kundi ako. Walang ibang involved. Kundi ako at siya. It was supposed to be that way.
Not the way i did.

Not the way i had to choose between gold and silver. Between those two things i may have had preference, but at the end of  the day  i only have to choose One. Why didn't i think i could wear them together but not mix them? I should've just realized i could turn them into beauty but in everybody's eyes it's void. It's something that shines but if you hold them both it's not good to look at. It's not as stunning as you see it in other's eyes.
Why did i have to look further? Bakit ko hinawakan lahat para lang masabing na sa akin ang lahat? Bakit ko kailangang dalhin lahat kung pwede ko namang itapon? 'Cause that's exactly what i did. Sa  kawalan ko na ng tamang rason, sa kawalan ko na pantakip sa pagkakamali ko mas pinili ko nalang ang mawala sila.

Totoo pala talaga yung kasabihang  "Kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao kapag nagtalikuran na sila, Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo ".  

I have no intention nor have the decency to ask for people to stay especially when you didn't end well with them. I just thought or wondering if i have left a' mark ' aside from just a painful past. Na sa kabila ng lahat i atleast left some good deeds you know. But that's impossible! That's what regret from .

 All that i've been left is Memories.   I have the right to miss the person but not to longing for them, i have the right to mourn but i don't have the right to blame.  I could cry my heart out , stab my soul to death, live with regrets and be the loneliest person in the world pero hinding hindi ko na mababalik kailanman ang nasira ko na. They're stuck here inside of my body, haunting me, give me itch whenever i feel this thing called emptiness. Na kahit anong gusto mong i-relieve yung sakit, hinding hindi magagamot dahil wala itong lunas.  Wala kang Antidote. You just have to go on with your life and move on. 

Acceptance comes after that.

Maraming maraming patience,maraming luha,sleepless nights, tiyaga, pag-intindi,pagtimbang sa bagay,isang malaking kahungkagan, na di mo alam kung mapupunan pa ba. 

All you're left is to stop asking, isa talaga yan sa pinakamahalagang natutunan ko . Stop asking so the answers would just follow. Kusa nalang siyang dumadating ng 'di mo hinihiling. Minsan pa nga magugulat ka nalang na andyan na pala bago mo pa tanungin o hilingin.

Learn to appreciate. Big things come when you appreciate the little ones.  

I had this belief before, "Compliments are for weaklings".  I mean, why do you even have to compliment someone if you're just going to talk behind their back? Do you really even mean what you say? It sounds fake, fake and moreso  fake! This is reality.  You should tell them the truth.

  And that's been me all the time. Being so honest that i hurt people. Not realizing that every word you say counts, every single word that comes out from your mouth counts. I've said many things that could hit you in one blow. I come to realize na, i lost two people 'cause my words are swords. There were so many things that i shoud've just left unspoken, either way just left it broadcast so they could've understood. Well, balewala lang din naman na lahat yon.

I come to this realization that everytime you compliment someone, they glow,they smile, they give so much positive energy and you'll never know . It might help them to get through the day. Might not be the truth or less, it still gives someone the power to revitalize . Parang nagiging stamina sa kanila. And if you give back what you take, or appreciate atleast what they did , you're more likely to have more beautiful energy around you.

Dati. Kapag may mali akong nakita,sasabihin ko sayong "Mali ka! Hindi ganyan!" , but when i tried to keep my mouth shut, hindi na din pala masakit na tumahimik. Hindi ka na nakafrustrate ng tao, hindi ka pa niya natandaan o matatandaan na "itong taong to,sinabihan ako ng ganun". Naniniwala ako na ,  we all have differences, character,magkakaibang experience at journey within. Kusa tayong matutututo. Especially, sa pagkakamali. We all make mistakes in order for us to grow. To know our limit, to know what's life ahead and kung sino lang ang mag i-stay sa araw ng delubyo mo.

I may have had my worst nightmare. Alam ko, kung di yun nangyari. Hindi talaga ako magigising. Hindi ako matututo. Too bad i had to lose many but i know sabi nga nila "God removes people from your life because he heard conversations that you didn't hear"  and He will never take something from you without the intention of replacing it with something better.