Dream of me again. [COMPLETED]

Chapter 15

9:24 AM. March 10, 2020.

Nagising ako na mabigat ang pakiramdam. Ang daming nangyari sa panaginip ko kagabi ngunit hindi maalis sa isip ko ang itsura ng malungkot na mukha ni Cedric. Pakiramdam ko ay kasalanan ko ang lahat. Kung hindi ko inalala iyon edi sana ay hindi niya mababasa ang nasa isip ko. Hindi sana siya magiging ganito kalungkot ngayon.

I shook my head as I want to forget that sad face, even just for a while. Ginawa ko ang aking morning routine at pagkatapos ay naupo ulit sa kama. Kinuha ko ang notebook ko sa lamesa kung saan naka-record lahat ng panaginip ko pati na rin ang aking cellphone. Kung gusto ko siyang matulungan ay dapat may gawin ako. Kailangan kong mag-isip ng paraan kung paano siya tutulungang makaalis sa panaginip ko.

Ngunit ang tanong ay paano?

Napabuntong hinga ako matapos tumulala sa notebook na hanggang ngayon ay blangko pa rin ang isang pahina. Isinulat ko na lang ang napanaginipan ko kagabi at tumulala ulit.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto, natauhan ako sa katok ni manang. Niyaya niya akong kumain ngunit tumanggi na lang ako dahil wala akong gana. Pagbalik ng tingin ko sa notebook ay nagulat ako nang makita ang drawing ng mukha ng lalaking kanina ko pa iniisip. Hindi ko namalayan na kanina pa pala ako gumuguhit.

Napabuntong hininga ulit ako. Ano ba ang pwede kong gawin? 

Binuksan ko ang maliit na drawer sa table sa tabi ng kama ko upang kunin ang pantasa dahil naputol bigla ang lead ng lapis ko. Pagbukas ko nito ay bumungad sa akin ang maliit na kahon na regalo ni Dad noong nakaraang araw. Alam ko namang susi ito ng sasakyan na nakita ko noon sa garahe pero may nag-uudyok sa akin na tingnan ito dahil maaaring mayroon pang iba.

Hindi naman ako nagkamali. Nang buksan ko ang kahon ay may isa pang maliit na kahon kung saan nakalagay ang isang simpleng pear-shaped emerald necklace with diamond frame. Sa ilalim nito ay makikita ang isang note na sa unang tingin ay hindi mo agad mapapansin. 

Kinuha ko ito at binasa. Hindi ko alam pero iba ang naramdaman ko nang hawakan ang papel. It feels like comfort, but at the same time, it makes me anxious. 

Valerie,

I'm assuming you are reading this now that you've cooled down. I know you will open this gift by the time you are not angry anymore. I am not good with words so I want to explain my side through this letter. I don't want to cause any confusion or heartbreak if I spoke to you personally because I'm afraid I will say something without thinking carefully of my words. I may look like a coward for not being physically beside you to explain this, but always remember that I'm always here for you.

Janice was my first love. She was my opponent on a debate competition from a different school and I don't know how our relationship started. It's just there. Nagulat na lang ako na ka-close ko na pala siya. Time passed, my feelings to her started to grow. It's just a small crush until I admit to myself that I was in love. We became lovers, started to go on dates, just like a normal couple.

Your mother, Lauren, is her best friend since childhood. She was also studying in a different school that time but we instantly became friends too when Janice introduced her to me. We have many similarities so it wasn't hard to befriend her. She was kind, caring, and selfless. She's popular in her school, she excels acads and she's good at any sports. She's too perfect.

Kaming tatlo, we were inseparable. Even though Janice and I are dating, she always finds time to bond with her best friend too, sometimes tagging me along with them. Kahit na magkakaiba kami ng schools, we hang out frequently.

Not until we graduated college, and went separate ways. Before, our schools were different, but I didn't feel far from them. After we graduated college, even though we're just in the same vicinity, I felt like we were totally strangers. Your mother became distant while Janice becomes cold to me. I haven't done anything wrong and I tried to reach for them but I can't. One day, Janice broke up with me without telling me her reasons and I was so depressed that time. I didn't receive any news from her since then.

A year has passed, Lauren came back and stayed on my side. She was the one who comforted me during the darkest days of my life, and she made me feel loved even though I'm not sure if I can replace her feelings. But it wasn't hard to love your mom. After a while, I finally opened my heart again, and decided to return the feelings with the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I married her, and we lived happily. Then you came into our lives and I am very thankful for that.

Five years ago, I accidentally saw Janice in her neighborhood when I went there to meet my business partner. She changed a lot. I found out that she's in an arranged marriage by her parents that's why she broke up with me. She's divorced just recently, I discovered that she and her son was abused by her husband which affected her mental health but now she's recovering. The time you saw us together was probably when I comforted her. I just can't help but to pity her for all of that. She went through a lot and I think it's better to have a friend beside her. 

I loved Janice, but that was all in the past. I have my family now, and no one can replace that. I promised your mom that I'll only love two woman in my life, and that's my daughter and my wife. Even though your mom is not here, I always feel that she's always with us.

I'm sorry for all the confusion. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. I didn't know you were hurting inside, keeping that pain for years. I thought you were just going on teenage angst and just want to be independent. I'm sorry for being a bad father, not knowing your real feelings. If I knew you're hurting, I would not hesitate to avoid Janice. I should've checked on you. I'm sorry.

If you want to talk to me, I'm just waiting in my office.

—Dad.

Pagkatapos kong basahin ang sulat ay hindi ko alam ang dapat kong maramdaman. Para akong isang bata na biglang nagising mula sa isang panaginip. Nahihirapan akong huminga dahil sa pagpigil sa mga luhang nagbabadyang tumulo sa aking mga mata. Halos magusot na ang sulat dahil sa higpit ng pagkakahawak ko. Para itong bomba na nagdala ng iba't-ibang emosyon sa akin. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin at gagawin sa mga oras na ito. Pakiramdam ko ay nawala ang isang malaking bigat na nararamdaman ko. Para akong hinaplos ng bawat letrang nakasulat na siyang naghahatid ng ginhawa sa akin. 

It is the answer I'm waiting for. The confirmation that I needed to know.

Hindi na ako nagsayang ng oras at dali-daling lumabas ng kwarto upang puntahan si Dad. Nagulat pa si manang nang makita ang itsura ko habang nakatayo sa harap ng kwarto ko marahil upang i-check ang nangyari ngunit hindi ko ito pinansin at nagtungo sa kwarto ilang hakbang ang layo mula sa akin. Hindi na ako nag-abalang kumatok at dire-diretsong pumasok sa kanyang opisina. 

When I entered his office, the first thing I saw is my dad sleeping peacefully on his desk. Ngunit kung titingnan mong mabuti, mapapansin mo ang pagod sa kanyang mukha. Mahahalata mo rin ang eyebags na senyales ng puyat at stress. Napatigil ako sa aking nakita. How come I ignored him all those years just for nothing? I secretly resent him because of a misunderstanding?

Naramdaman kong nagtubig ang mga mata ko. Napahikbi ako kaya naman bigla siyang nagising at makikita mo ang pag-aalala at alerto sa kanyang mga mata. 

"Why my princess? What's wrong?" He said worriedly. Nilapitan niya kaagad ako ngunit hindi pa man siya nakakaalis sa kanyang upuan ay tumakbo na ako sa kanya na parang bata at niyakap siya ng mahigpit. Saka bumuhos ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

Nakayakap lang ako sa kanya kaya hindi ko alam ang kanyang reaksyon ngunit naramdaman ko ang kamay niya na tumatapik sa likod ko. "Don't worry, nandito lang ako. I'm not going anywhere." He comforted me just like what he always did when I'm crying. 

Umiyak lang ako ng umiyak at hinayaang ibuhos lahat ng nararamdaman ko sa kanyang balikat. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na akong umiiyak ngunit nanatili lang si siya sa kanyang pwesto at hindi pa rin inalis ang pagkakayakap.

After gathering my thoughts for a while, finally, I said the words that I wanted to say for a long time. 

"I'm s-sorry, Dad."