Misguided Ghosts

Chapter Seventeen

Seventeen - Tay

I rolled over and sighed. 1.07 AM. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, ruffling my hair. Reaching out, I switched on my lamp, tilting my head to the side as the light hit the inside of my arm, lighting up a select few of my numerous scars. I looked down at my left arm, which out of the two, was more scarred. I trailed my fingertips over the top of them, sighing as I did so.

You'll regret them, one day, the school counsellor had told me.

But the truth was that I didn't regret them at all. Not once had I regretted what I did to myself. What I did regret, however, what letting myself get to the place where I felt that doing what I did was the only option. I hadn't told anyone what I was going through, what I was doing, not even Jared and Char. I didn't want to be any more of a burden than I already was. I was always at one of their houses whenever I wasn't with Ed. Ed had sensed something was up, but I'd always lied: told him that I was tired. What a pathetic excuse that had been. I'd never had the heart to tell him what was really going wrong until he accidentally walked in on me while I was getting dressed. I remembered that day as if it had been yesterday.

"Tay, you almost ready?" Ed asked, walking into my room without knocking.

I screamed, turning away from the door and covering myself with my hands, but I was too late. His warm hands crept gently over my shoulders, turning me around. His silver eyes raked over my body, widening as he saw the words carved on my stomach, the slashes on my legs and hips, the gauges on my forearms and the fact that he could count my ribs without his fingers tracing their way down my sides.

I didn't know what was worse: the look of betrayal in his eyes, or the tears streaming down his cheeks. "Tay," He whispered, his voice trembling. "Why?"

I sank to the floor, sobs spilling from me as his arms wound their way around me, pressing my thin, weak body against his. I had cried and cried until my tear ducts had nothing left to give. All the time, Ed stroked my hair and told me that everything was going to be fine; that I was going to get through this - that we were going to get through it because we were together. When I had finally stopped crying, Ed lifted up my skeletal arms and kissed every single cut. Still cradling me on his lap, he bent down and kissed the words on my stomach. His fingertips brushed the cuts on my thighs, making me shiver. He looked me in the eyes, his silver irises fixing me in place.

"You're going to be fine. I promise you, everything is going to be fine,"

I opened my eyes, not even realising that I had closed them. I bowed my head, my hair concealing my vision and took deep, shuddering breaths. It was taking all of my effort not to burst into tears. I wanted Ed. I wanted him to be next to me, holding me close to him and whispering words of comfort to me, as he always had done in the dead of night. Picking up my phone, I unlocked it and scrolled through my list of contacts. Caleb. Char. Ed. Jared. I couldn't call any of them. Char, Ed and Jared would all panic and think I was about to relapse. Caleb didn't know about what I had done to myself. That was the one thing that I'd held back from him.

Shaking my head, I selected Ed's number and pressed my phone to my ear, hearing it ring.

Ed's voicemail clicked on. Stupid me. He was probably asleep.

"Hey, you've reached Ed' s phone. I'm either reading right now or you're just not important enough for me to answer my phone. I may or may not call you back - depends on how cool a message you leave me."

The phone beeped and I began to speak. "Hey. It's, uh, it's me. Obviously. I couldn't sleep and I just wanted to hear your voice. You don't have to call me back or anything, but my parents are going away this weekend. So, in three days. Or, day after tomorrow, if you take into account that it's actually Thursday right now." I laughed slightly. "I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to come over this weekend. There. That wasn't so hard to say now, was it? Alright, bye. I love you."