Misguided Ghosts

Chapter Twenty-Five

Twenty-Five – Tay

I never thought I’d attend my own funeral. But there I stood, by the grave of the girl that I had been, as the girl I had become. Memories washed over me: celebrating results day with Liam, Hayley and Evie and the bitterness that Ed wasn’t with us to enjoy a moment so sweet; the constant trips to the beach while Ed was still well enough to go; the water fight we had when we were thirteen and I ended up on the roof, pouring buckets of ice-cold water on their heads. A smile almost formed, but then I remembered where I was, and who I was. Smiling at a funeral wasn’t exactly appropriate. I was already getting enough looks; I didn’t need any more.

Closest to the grave stood the people who had once been my parents and my brother, along with the people who I knew like the back of my hand, but who didn’t know a thing about me. I’d shared some of my fondest memories with those people and they had no idea that I had all of those memories. A tear dripped down my face.

The wind flowed around me, with a slight edge to it that hinted at the coming of winter. I shivered slightly, and looked down at my clothes.  I wore a black skirt that was patterned with white doves in flight, and I’d tucked a simple black vest into it. I hadn’t bothered with a jacket. Emilie was going to be lying six feet under for the rest of eternity, slowing decaying. The least I could do was get cold.

Liam stood forward, clearing his throat. “Uh, hi. Emilie was one of my oldest friends. When I was down, she would pick me up. She always kept me anchored, no matter how much she’d have to do in order to make sure I was okay, because she cared. I’ve never met anyone who cared as much as she did. No matter who it was, me, Hayley, Evie, Danny, her parents, a homeless guy in the street, a geography teacher that everyone hated-“A slight chuckle ripped through the crowd. “Emile cared if they were in pain. But what amazed me even more than her compassion was her strength. Even after Ed Tanner died of leukaemia, she made sure that we were all still going, still soldiering on, and I never really took the time to ask her how she was doing.” He paused, inhaling deeply as tears swam in his eyes. “And I regret that so much, because I don’t know how much she was really hurting, or how much she was covering up because she wanted everyone else to be happy. And for that, Em, I’m so, so sorry. But just do two things for me. Say hey to Ed for me, and save a seat for me when I get to heaven.”

Then Hayley stood forward. “Em, I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to think about the fact that you’re gone. I don’t know how to function without you. I’ve known you since day one, on that first day of school, this little shining light of a person, who was always there when she was needed. No-one else can compare to you, or fill this massive hole that is somehow in my life, because that’s your place, Emilie. But, for now, I won’t say goodbye, because that means I’ll never see you again,” She paused to wipe a tear from her cheek. “So, I’ll see you soon, but hopefully not too soon,”

Evie moved to give her eulogy, but was too choked up to manage more than a couple of sentences. She cried openly, tears flooding down her cheeks in waves. I wanted nothing more than to go over to her and comfort her, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster up the strength.

Both Danny and Emilie’s parents gave eulogies, but I couldn’t listen. That was too painful. It was hard enough to fight back the waves of memories and hear Liam and Hayley talk about who I’d been, without hearing my previous parents speak about me. Tears trickled down my cheeks almost tentatively, as if showing my grief was a crime.

When the funeral was finished, I stood, watching the coffin become concealed by the loam. The shining nameplate reading Emilie Alicia Claremont was soon covered, along with the coffin, carrying the body that had once housed my consciousness. For now, my grave was going to be another new grave without a headstone, and I wished that it would stay that way. I wanted people to forget about Emilie, so that they could move on and not become stuck of grief, as I had. People needed to forget that I’d ever existed and move on with their lives, which was something that I’d failed to do. But part of me wanted to be remembered, to never be forgotten, because one day, the name Emilie Claremont wouldn’t mean anything to anyone, because all of those who’d known me would be dead.