Letting It Go

xxiv.

"Hello?" She says. 

Anika blanks out. She fucking blanks out; now when had chance to speak. The words remain of tip of her tongue, but she doesn't—couldn't speak. She tries too, but her throat closes up. She swallows, trying to stop her emotions get best of her, like usual. 

"Hello?" Adeela repeats, a little impatient. 

Everything rushes back to her, and Anika blurts, the absurdity of entire situation weighing on her shoulders. She never had to work up her courage to talk to Adeela— well, never before the incident. "I found out something." 

Adeela doesn't speak. A heavy pause. Anika waits. She can definitely wait, if she waited for all these months to call her. Finally Adeela says, "Er, who am I speaking too?"

Tears prickle her eyes. It stings. Badly. 

Yet she speaks, "Anika. Adeela, this is Anika Trivedi."

Silence. She is met with heavy silence. The hurt grows.  

Adeela says tentatively, her voice soft and unsure, "Hi... how are you doing?"

Anika wipes the tears away, the magnitude of the situation brining some more tears. They both haven't literally spoken to each other in months. Anika sighs, her voice heavy with emotions, "Just fine. What about you?"

Adeela stresses, "Good. How is your new school?" 

Anika shifted her position, feeling uncomfortable. Dangling the phone on her shoulders dangerously, she sees the shirt with her old school emblem lying on the bed. Her mother had given up trying to get her to keep her room clean. Clothes piled on the corner of the bed, chair, books lying here and there, slight smudges of dirt and webs smeared all over the place— she felt slight guilt pooling in her stomach. Few outbursts and arguments—maybe one fight too?—with teachers and classmates alike, her grades slipping right after coming back from the camp; her parents had decided to shift her to new school. 

According to them, a new school was all she needed to move on from her death. New school, new people, new environment, so why not? They assumed that their daughter would get better, and go back to being her normal self. Therapy? Oh lord no. That is for kids who are crazy— her parents exact words. Her mother tried to help her, but it just had gotten worse. Because she didn't know how too, and often ended up getting frustrated from her. 

So much so, that she had shut out everyone in her life. 

Adeela voice's brings her back to reality; hard cold reality, "Anika...you there?"

Anika nods and then realizing Adeela cannot see her she mutters, "Yes," and then remembering her old question, she continues, "It's good." 

Another bout of silence. Adeela prods further, "You called for, er, something specific?" 

Anika thinks, biting her lips forcefully. This is too too much. Her heart flutters, too loudly for her liking. She forces out her next words, "Adeela— I—I wanted to know if—if you still think about he—"

"Stop," Adeela commands, her voice low and calm. Yet the emotion behind her voice—that breaks Anika. Anika swallows, hoping that she didn't offend Adeela. As her friend had been particular about this topic when they last spoke. That they won't ever talk about it. 

And she just broke that. Anika tries to specify, "I mean, I found something—" 

"...And I don't want to know." Adeela finishes. Her voice is hard now, cold and foreign. Anika's heart sinks. Adeela is closing her off. Something that the usual Adeela won't do, but then again, the incident had left all of them scarred.