Legacy | Peter Parker

8 | good grief

                                                                 every minute and every hour 

                                                        i miss you, i miss you, i miss you more 

i would like to put a trigger warning here. this chapter is very emotional and deals with a bit of mental health/anxiety. i don't want anyone to be offended or triggered by this. thx.

It's been three weeks since I 'moved in' to this crappy little apartment. I've done a little bit of digging and research. I asked about Rosie Rodgers, if anyone knew her, or knew of her. I learned about things that had happened differently in this reality. All the Avengers were alive, nobody died, or became old, it was as if no war or blip had happened, but locals told me that the blip was definitely a thing.

I honestly got nowhere though. As much as I asked, no one knew either Peter Parker or Rosie Rodgers. And I was left alone. 

I looked at myself in the mirror, what was I even doing? I'm on an endless goose chase. I think I know deep down that he's not here, and I'm not going to find him, but I try to keep denying so that there is still hope.

I find myself holding the heart charm on the necklace he got for me for my birthday, it is the only thing have of him in this strange reality. I just miss him. I miss how he smiled at me whenever he saw me. I miss how he always made me feel better, and the one time I need him most is when he's not here.

I've kept it all together this whole time, and as much as I'm trying to right now, I start to feel my mind spiraling. 

I look at myself again. Deep breaths. It will be fine. 

It will not be fine though.

I shake my head. It will. 

I will find a way to get Peter back and after that I will show Rosie hell for this. Everything will be find. I need to find whatever Rosie used to make Peter and I forget each other, then find the solution to reverse it.

As long as that is what she did again. 

You'll never find that. Do you know how hard that would be?

I know, but I have to try. I will see him again. 

No, you won't.

I'm crying now, trying to make the voice in my head to stop. I know that it's me. I am the voice, I'm telling myself the things to make me feel this way, but I can't make myself stop.

So I think of Peter. I see his face in my head, and I ma able to smile through the tears. What would he tell me? 

"It's okay Heaz," he'd use the nickname he gave me when we were younger, "you'll be okay, I'm here. And look, Leo's here too, he needs you to happy to feed him." I'd laugh a little. 

But he's not here, is he?

I needed to go to bed. If I go to bed, I can sleep, and by the morning, I won't feel like this anymore, and I can continue to search for him. 

I didn't actually have a bed in this place, considering it was abandoned, but I had a pile of blankets that I stole, so I laid down on them and tried to close my eyes, begging sleep to wash over my body. 

But when i closed my eyes  all  I could see was people telling me I was crazy, that Peter didn't exist. 

"Honey, are you okay, are you sick?" a woman asked me at the coffee shop Peter and I would go to everyday as I sobbed. 

"It's just, I don't understand how you've never seen him, and nobody's seen him, or knows him, and I just really miss him!" 

I started to cry again into my pillow. Just go to sleep. 

I was caught off balance, she lived alone? "You don't know Peter? Peter Parker?" I asked.

"No, never heard of him," she stated. 

Go to sleep. Please, just go to sleep. 

Suddenly the traffic outside seemed louder than it was a few minutes ago, and I could hear the noises from my crying, like I was outside of my body, listening to me. The light sprinkle of rain that just started didn't sound like a sprinkle at all. I could hear each drop on the roof like loud hooves racing across the ground.

"Wait, who is this Peter you keep mentioning?" MJ interrupted.

"Peter Parker?" 

Stop it. Sleep. Just go to sleep and I can find him in the morning. 

Maybe this is what was best for you.

What? No. It was just my thoughts torturing me with things I knew better than to take to heart. 

It was just intrusive thoughts, and I had to get them out, just how Dad taught me. "Take a deep breath," he told me one night, "and then with all of your confidence say, back off, and don't come back." 

"Back off, and don't come back," I repeated him. 

"Louder, stronger," he encouraged me.

"Back off, and don't come back," I said again, more aggression in my voice. 

"Come on, I know you're stronger than that." 

"Back off, and don't come back!" I yelled. He clapped and I laughed, all the thoughts gone, and I was able to sleep. 

But then I was thinking of my dad, and that made it worse. I was crying harder. Everything got louder around me. 

Maybe you shouldn't find Peter again. 

No. No. Back off, don't come back. I need Peter. I will find him. I cried harder.  Stop crying! 

You don't even deserve someone so good as Peter. 

"Stop, Please stop," I yelled out into the dark. My crying became hyperventilating. "Back off, a-and don't come back." 

You don't deserve him. Look at you, pathetic. 

"Go away," I begged. "please," I wiped tears off my face, but they just kept coming, "please." 

 He's not coming back. You will never see him again, face it. 

"No, please," I sobbed, "P-peter, please, please, come back!" 

I couldn't take this anymore. My entire body was shaking and I just kept curling further into the covers, trying to run away from my own thoughts. 

He can't hear you.

"Back off, and don't come back."

It went on for longer than I could remember. I couldn't stop the thoughts, or the tears. They kept coming and i would repeat the same pleases, and sorrys, and back off, and don't come back. 

At some point, I had fallen asleep, curled up tight in a ball, and finally able to breath properly. 

When I woke up, my eyes were puffy and red from crying all night, but I was more committed than ever to find out what was happening, and to fix it. 

But when I walked outside to start I swear I could hear someone calling my name. 

And all of a sudden, the world around me shifted. 

a/n: again, this was kinda a short chapter, but it came from the bottom of my heart. to anyone who struggles with any kind of mental health, i'm here for you. i know sometimes it's annoying to here go find someone to talk to, so all i'm gonna say is i'm here for you. 

anyhoodaloo, this was super sad, and if you don't think it properly represents what it feels like, then i don't care, because i can only describe what i've felt. i'm not making shit up to come at anyone. 

but really, i hope you liked it. 

thx :)