Infatuated

19. Lost

 Zayn's POV

     I had come back after our show in New York City as we had three days off. I figured I would surprise Perrie so I talked to Jade to set up a plan. It was pretty lame, but with the short period of time I had I couldn't have thought of something better. I set the pizza down on the kitchen counter, figuring Perrie was in the shower so I made my way to the living room to wait, a red rose in my hand to give to her. I stopped in my tracks as I saw what was before me. Perrie and Jay kissing. I had probably caught half a second of their kiss before they broke apart, but the jealousy and anger built up within me in an instant. I came back to surprise her, I wanted to see her cute little face when she saw me. I wanted to see that twinkle in her eye when she looked at me, but it wasn't what I got when we locked eye contact. Her eyes were filled with guilt.

Perrie's POV

     "I'm gonna go..." Jay muttered as he got out and sped out of the flat. Zayn didn't even flinch when he walked past him. His eyes stayed locked with mine. I felt so guilty. Regardless if the kiss meant anything or not...I had cheated. "Zayn I can explain..." I started as he stood in place, rigid. "Explain what? How I've been away for three weeks and you've fallen for another guy? How you were practically snogging in front of me? How you cheated on me?" He asked coldly with no emotion. I winced at his words, standing up. "Zayn...please calm down and let me explain. It didn't mean anything, I promise." I said, fully aware that I was lying to him and to myself. I had felt something with Jay, I just didn't want to admit it. "Don't." He said as I reached for his hand. My hand fell. "It was just a kiss to see if we felt something, it was just to clarify our confusion." I explained with pleading eyes. "So you were feeling something for him? And did you feel something while kissing him, huh? Did you feel something more with him than with me?" He questioned, anger filled the room with his words. "No...I don't feel anything for him! It's all you, you're the only one that I love." I defended myself, hoping he would somehow believe me. "I've known you for nearly a year now Perrie, I know when you're lying." He said, throwing the red rose on to the floor. I looked down at the broken stem, a symbol of a broken relationship. I looked back up at him, seeing what I didn't want to see in his eyes.

     It seemed like he had shut his emotions off, he didn't want to feel. It was like he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, like he had been hurt one too many times. "I don't want to talk to you Perrie." He said as I opened my mouth to speak. "I don't want to hear what you have to say. I thought I could trust you, it's only been three weeks and you've already cheated. I thought wrong. Every time I leave, something bad happens. It's just not working out between us...and I think we need time off." He said as he took in a deep breath. "I'm leaving Perrie, you hurt me this time when I thought you wouldn't." He said, saying every word that I dreaded to hear come out of his mouth as he turned away from me. I reached out and grasped his hand, stopping him from leaving. "Zayn just give me a chance, let me prove myself and explain myself. I gave you tons of chances!" I pleaded desperately. He scoffed, shaking my grip off of him. "The shit I did, the mistakes I made are nothing compared to what you've done. You are actually fucking falling in love with Jay and don't tell me otherwise, I know what you're feeling. I knew this was happen. I'm sure Will's plan worked out perfectly. You might have even helped him plan it! Use me for publicity, then use your newly gained fame and share it with The fucking Wanted. You are unbelievable Perrie, I don't know why I ever trusted you." He accused. I was taken aback, he thought I would sabotage our relationship?

     "Are you out of your fucking mind!? You think I would do this to us, to you? I love you Zayn and you know that I would never sabotage our relationship on purpose! Are you seriously siding with your fans by believing I’m using you for fame?!" I shouted while trying to suppress the tears. This always happened. Whenever I was upset and angry, I cried. I bit my lip to concentrate on keeping them in. "I don’t even know what to think anymore about you! And yeah? You love me? Then tell me why you kissed him. Tell me you don’t feel anything with him." He demanded, staring me straight in the eye. I reverted my eyes from him, knowing the next few things I said to him would pain me, but not as much as it would hurt him. I took in a shaky breath, "We kissed because...we both thought we had felt something for each other and we just wanted to clarify it. You were never meant to see us..." I began. "So you wanted to fucking hide things from me?" He asked angrily. "No! I was going to tell you I jus- I'm not even sure myself how I'm feeling. I like him...as a friend He wants more and I know it's so wrong but I feel like I'm wanting more too. Please don't be upset with me Zayn we can we please just get through this together. I promise I'll sort out everything, I won't feel for him, I promise I'll make things better." I pleaded as tears began clouding up my sight. "You can't just stop loving him Perrie this isn't a fucking fairy tale and you can't always get your happy ending. I need a break from you. I just can't deal with this anymore. I can't deal this all this while I'm on tour, it's too much and it's not fair for me. I'll be back when the tour is over. Hope your little infatuation with Jay will last before you go off with another guy." He sneered as he turned and walked out of the flat, slamming the front door shut. Those last words stung. I wasn't infatuated with anyone other than him. He was the one I loved.

     I sank back down on to the sofa as the tears began rolling down my cheeks. I felt like as if I had lost everything. In fact, I had. I had lost Zayn. He broke with me, he was done with me and it was all my fault. I wanted to make things right again, but I just didn't know how. I was done with Jay, everything that I thought I had felt with him had disappeared. All I felt was hurt and emptiness. I clutched the pillow as I sobbed uncontrollably into it. I tried so desperately to stop myself from crying, to get myself together to think of something I could do to win Zayn back. But could I ever win him back again? I needed him, I wanted him. Without him, I was a tiny, insecure girl. He was the one that made me confident; he was the one that made me love myself for who I was. He believed in me, he made me believe in myself. And now, it was all gone. I didn't have him, and I felt like I had lost myself.

     I braced myself as I sat up and wiped some tears from my cheek. I didn't have to lose myself; I was going to win back the person that made me feel like a whole again. I called Will's number, having it immediately go straight to voicemail. "I'm done. I'm not going along with your stupid publicity stunt. You ruined my life with Zayn, you're an inconsiderate prick. Kick me out of the band, I don't care. I'm not playing by your rules anymore, I quit, from you. I don't need you to guide me to success, I can do it on my own." I said boldly and hung up, though it was clear through my voice that I had been crying. What if he did kick me out of Little Mix? I would literally lose everything, but everything was nothing compared to losing Zayn. He was my definition of everything. Thinking of Zayn caused me to break again. The thought of him not being mine, of him not being around me hurt so much. I hit number two on speed dial, having it been answered on the second ring. "Ja-ade?" I cried, my voice cracking. "Perrie? What h-...I'll be right over."

---

     “He will understand soon Perrie. He loves you and you know that, I know you can win him back.” Jade said softly as I cried in her arms. She had left to come home as soon as I called. “You should have seen him…you should have heard him. It was like he was done, forever. I don’t know how…and now he’s going back to America, I-I can’t, I’m going to lose him.” I said as I pulled back, wiping my tear-stained cheeks though they were replenished with new tears right away. “You can’t predict the future Pez, maybe it’ll turn out positive.” Jade said, trying to be optimistic. I couldn’t help but think that she didn’t believe in Zayn and I either. There was no Zayn and I…we were broken, and you can’t fix something that’s broken.

Zayn’s POV

 

     I had left Perrie’s in a huff, and I was still angry. I hadn’t calmed down the least. I had broken up with her. Part of me regretted it, but the majority knew it was the best. All she did was break her promise to me. It’s four months. We can do this. You’ll come back and I’ll still be here. I’ll still be yours, I promise. She had said to me. Funny how it had only been three weeks since she said that. I headed into the pub, going straight to the bar. “Give me whatever’s strong.” I demanded roughly to the bartender as I sat up on a seat. Tonight I wanted to drink it all away. Drink away the emotions, all the hurt and pain she had caused me. I wanted to drink until I was empty and lost, because that was exactly what I was feeling. Lost.