Reinvent love | Ryden | ENG

13

Ryan pov

I leave the apartment slamming the door. Since losing Brendon, nothing's worked out for me... And even though it's only been less than a day, it feels like ages.
I head to Moonlight. Not to take care of business. I'm just going to get drunk and forget about the pain that's tearing my heart.
- Mr. Ross... - starts the bartender following me into the office.
- Later. - I grunt and lock myself in.
The office is in chaos. I sort through some papers lying on the counter and throw away an empty whisky bottle. My gaze stops on a picture of a laughing Bden in a frame. I think back sentimentally to that day...

We were together at The Overpass. Brendon was sneaking out of the house right after Sarah went to bed. We would sit at the bar for long evenings, drinking whisky and talking about anything. I loved those evenings. As the sun began to rise, I would take him to my house, not far away. We would then make love until late in the morning when he had to go to the studio.

I shake myself off and walk out into the hall. There is still some time before Moonlight opens, so no one will see my problem. Ignoring the staff, I grab another bottle of whisky off the shelf and lock myself in the office again. I sit all alone, sipping the alcohol from a crystal glass. But tonight I'm careful how much I drink. An honest conversation with Hinman today over breakfast made me realize a lot. I can't pour myself into alcohol like my father if I want to achieve my goal. And my goal is to be with Brendon. I've decided to try. My life couldn't be any more complicated. And it can't get any worse.

- - -

I'm walking home in the middle of the night. I'm wobbly on my feet, but I haven't drunk much. I go into the kitchen, take out a pot and pour water into it. I put it on and start to cook slowly. I dig out a broth cube from the drawer and add it. I stir the pot angrily.
Why did Brendon react this way? Was he really just pretending to continue feeling something? Maybe he just didn't want to admit to me that love doesn't exist.
I tear open the bag of rice in frustration and pour it into the pot.
Why is this world so messed up?
Why couldn't I just let go of Urie and accept reality?
- Are you fucked up Ryan?! - I hear Z's annoyed voice.
- No, I'm just cooking chicken soup with rice. - I reply and shake the ladle loudly in the pot again.
- It's two in the morning, you couldn't possibly... I don't know... Would you mind going to bed? - she asks.
- Oh Z... The night is still young. - I turn to face her and smile widely.
- Go to sleep. I'll clean up here. - she offers.
I glance at her and move towards the exit wobbling on my feet.
And no, I'm not drunk at all.
- You know what, Z? Nick is fucking lucky to have you. - I say suddenly, staring at her. She's standing in front of me sleepy, disheveled, and in just a Hinman's shirt. - But he could at least give you a longer shirt. - I add and point to her legs.
She covers herself embarrassed with one hand, the other reaching into the stove to turn it off.
There is a silence that I decide to break.
- I think if it wasn't for Brendon... If I hadn't been so stupid... - I say, moving closer to her. With her around, it all just seems like a mistake. - Maybe if... - I repeat and without warning I kiss her right on the lips.
I should never have rejected her. Elizabeth has always been there for me and has always loved me. If I had at least tried to love her the way I should...
But love doesn't exist.
At least not for me.
Z looks around, then throws her arms around my neck and returns the kiss. I grab her butt and sit her on the table, continuing to kiss her passionately. I forget about everything for a moment. What matters is here and now.
- Z? - I hear suddenly.
We pull away from each other and turn towards the figure standing in the darkness.
Nick turns on the light at that moment. There are tears in his eyes.
- It's not like that at all, Nick! - Z jumps off the table.
- Come on Z. I know you want him anyway! - He runs out of the apartment.
Berg rushes after him.
So she chose him after all.
Damn this world.
I lean with my hands on the countertop.
I scream in frustration.
I don't care about anything anymore.